- Brian: [to Craig Taylor] So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels.
- Craig Taylor: No one asked for your opinion, Pal.
- Brian: Well, that's not love. That's hate.
- Craig Taylor: Get the fuck out of my house.
- Brian: Justin, you coming?
- Hotlanta: [about Justin's Jambalaya] Mmm... It's not bad. But you know what you need is an itsy-bitsy pinch of cayenne pepper. That's what'll give it that extra-special kick.
- Brian: He's gonna get an extra-special kick, later. Now, you can either stand around here eating Jambalaya, or you can come upstairs and eat my *ass*!
- Michael Novotny: [the group is discussing Brian's accident.] You don't want any more weirdoes ramming into you.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Never heard him complain about that before.
- Justin Taylor: So my dad was kicking him and beating him. Then I jumped on his back and pulled him off and then I started punching him.
- Emmett Honeycutt: And don't forget how you single-handedly fought off the attack dogs.
- Justin Taylor: It's not his fault. I'm not a child. I'm turning eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Hopefully, not on the same day.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Maybe so. But as far as your parents are concerned, you're still their sweet, innocent, little boy. They're not ready to think of you sucking cock and taking it up the ass.
- Michael Novotny: Ma, do you have to be so graphic?
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Michael, I'm making a point. Would you please note interrupt when I'm talking. So, what was I talking about?
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Something about...
- Michael Novotny: Sucking cock...
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And taking it up the ass.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Right.
- Justin Taylor: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thank you, Doogie Howser.
- Brian: [about Justin] He's not my responsibility.
- Jennifer Taylor: Oh, yeah, he is. You seduced him, you fucked him, so now he's yours. Just kindly see that he takes his allergy medicine, and does his homework and gets to school on time. And... And tell him that we love him.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [to Michael] I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.
- Brian: What are you doing?
- Justin Taylor: Huh?
- Brian: What are you doing!
- Justin Taylor: Uh, listening to Moby. It's really hot. So... What's up?
- Brian: What's up is that you left my door unlocked. What's up is this is not a hotel room, and you are not on your "Blonde Ambition Tour". What's up is that your Mother paid me a little visit today. Finally, what's up is you're gonna take off my shirt and clean up your shit.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: If I have to watch Martha Stewart make one more goddamn thing out of goat cheese, I'm going to kill myself.
- Vic Grassi: A.M.C. has a Joan Crawford festival all week.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Nobody's that gay.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Hi, honey. What are you doing here?
- Michael Novotny: Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Kinky.
- Brian: [to Michael] It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.
- [last lines]
- Brian: So... What's for dinner?
- Justin Taylor: Jambalaya. From last night.
- Brian: It's not bad.
- Justin Taylor: It's always better the second day.