Nick Hancock: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Nick Hancock : [watching a clip from Postman Pat - one of Ian Hislop's choices to go into Room 101]  Now listen to Miss Hubbard.

  Postman Pat : Morning, Miss Hubbard.

  Miss Hubbard : [deep voice]  Morning, Pat.

  Nick Hancock : She's a man! Miss Hubbard is definitely the village transvestite, there's no doubt about it.

  Ian Hislop : If only it were that interesting.

• Ian Hislop : There are a lot of books I've always wanted to read more than once, but Postman Pat's Sleepy Days isn't one of them. And as many other parents will find, I've read this book 3,488 times. I feel I live in Greendale. Me, Miss Hub-bard...

  Nick Hancock : Oh, it's Hub-bard, is it?

  Ian Hislop : Hub-bard, yes. Dorothy Thompson, the twins, you know them all. Ted bloody Glen. Postman Pat delivering those boring old letters.

  Nick Hancock : He never seems to do any of the things that normal postmen do like, you know, intercepting a couple of giros or chucking the post behind a hedge and going to the racing at Newbury.

• Nick Hancock : I think we will send Postman Pat into Room 101, for all those parents who've had to suffer reading him over and over and over again.

  Ian Hislop : Reading him? I've been to the Postman Pat village in Longleat! Forget the lions, forget the interesting house, you go round Greendale again!

• Ian Hislop : [describing his role as a presenter on the forgotten 1980s talk show 'Loose Talk']  I had to link the show to a large audience who are all either drunk or stoned. And then I had to interview various people and talk to a man called Tom Waits, who had flown in and had what was called "jetlag". As celebrities call it.

  Nick Hancock : He'd rolled his own jetlag?

  Ian Hislop : He had. I think he'd put a huge amount of jetlag up his nose.

  Nick Hancock : Let's have a little look of you dealing manfully with Tom Waits.

  Ian Hislop : I can't believe you're going to show this bit.

  Nick Hancock : I'm afraid we are.

  [a clip plays - Tom Waits is seated in a studio, next to him is Ian Hislop and three other guests] 

  Tom Waits : [mumbling]  Um... part of the reason that I'm here, uh, is to make it, uh, um... clear that I, uh, I do have a new piece of work that's out. Unfortunately...

  Ian Hislop : [interrupting]  Can I suggest you plug it a bit louder? I mean, if that's what you're over here for?

  [awkward silence. Waits looks at Hislop irritably] 

  Ian Hislop : The record?

  Tom Waits : I'll plug it in my own damn way.

  Ian Hislop : It's just very soft.

  [a couple of people in the studio audience clap and cheer] 

  Tom Waits : Well, I think you can hear me, can't you?

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, but I'm fairly near.

  Tom Waits : Well...

  [Hislop turns to the guests on his other side] 

  Nick Hancock : [watching the clip]  Looks round for help.

  Ian Hislop : [watching the clip]  Doesn't get any!

  [the other guests say nothing then turn away from Hislop and Waits and start talking amongst themselves]