- Fred G. Sanford: [to Chinese man in magic store, using very bad paraphrasing] Hi-ee, me and ug-lee, lockee in wristees, needee your helpee.
- Chinese Man: [With nary a trace of accent] You don't need me, you need a speech therapist.
- Lamont Sanford: Why don't you each take an ear of corn and start at opposite ends?
- Aunt Esther Anderson: I'd like some butter on my end.
- Fred G. Sanford: What'cha want on the corn?
- Grady Wilson: As an appetizer, we'll have boiled beef tongue and bananas.
- Lamont Sanford: I'm almost afraid to ask what that's called, Grady.
- Grady Wilson: Oh no, go ahead.
- Lamont Sanford: What's it called?
- Grady Wilson: A Lickety Split.
- Lamont Sanford: I'll go to a movie or somethin'.
- Fred G. Sanford: There's a good one down at the Rialto. You oughtta go down there and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.
- Lamont Sanford: Now that sounds hip. What's it called?
- Fred G. Sanford: Caine Mutiny.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: Now what do I do every year about this time?
- Fred G. Sanford: Shed your skin?
- Aunt Esther Anderson: No. I round up talent for my church show.
- Fred G. Sanford: And that's where you belong - in a round-up.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Addressing the salesman in a magic trick store] Maybe you can help me?
- Salesman: I doubt it. We deal in tricks, not in miracles.
- Fred G. Sanford: Uh, well, then you just the man I wanna see. See, somebody played a very dirty trick on me.
- Salesman: I can see. Mother Nature.
- Grady Wilson: [Serving supper to the Sanfords] We'll start the evening off with my famous Russian cocktail. Vodka and prune juice.
- Lamont Sanford: [Spits out drink] Vodka and prune juice?
- Grady Wilson: Yeah, yeah. I call that my Trotsky.
- Grady Wilson: I'm rehearsing my magic act for Esther's church show.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: He's good, Fred.
- Fred G. Sanford: Can you saw a woman in half?
- Grady Wilson: Well, not yet.
- Fred G. Sanford: Why don't you take Esther and practice.
- Aunt Esther Anderson: Fred Sanford, why is it every time I come over here, you call me ugly?
- Fred G. Sanford: Cuz I'm not the type to lie.