- Fred G. Sanford: When Esther was a little girl, a guy drove up beside her and offered her some suckers to get UNDER his car.
- Fred G. Sanford: [after learning Esther is moving in] I can see my tombstone: "Fred Sanford lies here. 1908 to 1975. Died from an overdose of ugly."
- Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson: [Opening a dinner invitation] Listen to this, Fred: "Roses are red / mustards are green / come over for dinner / and we'll lick our plates clean."