- Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.
- Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.
- Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.
- Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"?
- Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!
- Aunt Esther Anderson: [Fred gives her lipstick] I ain't wearin' this - this is the devil's paint!
- Fred G. Sanford: Now, Esther, you gotta choice. Either you put this paint on, or I put a headlight in your nose and drive you through the Earl Scheib.
- Emcee: Joining Mrs. Anderson on stage during her talent portion will be Ted Sanford.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Pops out from behing the curtain] That's *Fred* Sanford!
- Emcee: Sorry, Fred Sanford.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Pops out again] G!
- Emcee: [Rolls his eyes] Fred Sanford G.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Grumbles from behind the curtain as the emcee walks off] You big dummy.