- Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man!
- Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.
- Lamont Sanford: What?
- Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.
- Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.
- Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?
- Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
- Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.
- Fred G. Sanford: [to the doctor, after being caught lying to his office by reporting that Lamont is only two years old] What difference does it make how old he is anyway?
- Pediatrician: Oh, it makes quite a difference. I'm a pediatrician.
- Fred G. Sanford: Oh, I'm Methodist myself.
- Psychologist: [Analyzing Fred] Let's try some ink spots.
- Fred G. Sanford: Ink Spots? Sure.
- [Standing up and breaking into song]
- Fred G. Sanford: "How can I be sure this is love beyond compaaaaaare...?"