- Fred G. Sanford: I don't feel good today. Y'see, my neuritis is shakin' hands with my bursitis, and they're both gangin' up on my arthritis.
- Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing funeral arrangements] One other thing, and this is real important. Make sure Lena Horne sings at my funeral.
- Cal Pettie: Lena Horne? Why?
- Fred G. Sanford: Because when she gets to that part, "It's the wrong place, it's the wrong time, though you're lips are tempting." See, when you get those "lips are temptin'," when you get to that part and I don't raise up and start dancin', bury me 'cause I'm dead.
- Cal Pettie: [Referring to Fred's heart attacks] Fred, you've cried wolf so many times you ought to have a hunting license!
- Fred G. Sanford: [while dialing the emergency number] Elizabeth, remember all those times I told you I was comin' ta join ya, honey? I ain't lyin' this time!