- Soldier at The Alamo: Anyone willing to stay and fight, step across this line. Anyone who doesn't stay... well, we won't think you're a coward or a deserter or a chicken or anything like that. On the other hand, we won't be building any monuments to you, either, because after all you did sorta chicken out like a coward or a deserter or something.
- Baudelaire: Oh, sweet angel of death, kiss me on the cheek whilst your blade of deathly death doth deaden me...
- Weekend Update Anchor: President-elect Bush received a call from former President Nixon this week, reportedly asking for a presidential pardon. When Bush pointed out that Nixon had already received the pardon from Gerald Ford, Nixon replied "I know, but I've done some bad things since then."
- Master Thespian: But how did they know I was here?
- Baudelaire: Ring, ring!
- Master Thespian: [picks up the receiver] Yes?
- Baudelaire: Acting, again!
- Dog #1: These are my sins: I walked on the furniture when noone was home, I chased squirrels three times. I chewed on shoes four times.