- Director: [off screen] Walter Matthau, Obi-Wan Kenobi screen test. All right, Walter, here we go. "I never heard of them hitting anything this big before."
- Walter Matthau: [Smoking a cigar with his left hand and holding a golf club in his right] They didn't but we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side by side, Sand People always ride single file to hide their numbers.
- Director: These are the same Jawas that sold us Artoo and Threepio.
- Walter Matthau: Jawas? What the Hell is this picture about anyway?
- Director: Well, Walter, it's a space adventure about a magical Force and all the people and creatures who inhabit a distant galaxy...
- Walter Matthau: Oh, Christ.
- [Picks up his golf club and walks off]
- Director: Walter? W-Walter...
- Director: [off screen] Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.
- Jack Lemmon: [Jack Lemmon comes out, dressed in a Chewbacca costume except for the face mask] Okay, excuse me, before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?
- Director: Well, he's a Wookiee, Jack.
- Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookiee?
- Director: Um, it's like a space ape.
- Jack Lemmon: Oh, that's terrific. You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fucking space ape?
- Director: Uh, Jack, just put the mask on.
- Jack Lemmon: I'm gonna take a dump in this God damn mask, that's what I'm gonna do.
- Director: Jack, please, put it on.
- Jack Lemmon: Why can't I audition for Obi-Wan? You've got Matthau screentesting. I'd be a terrific Obi-Wan.
- Director: Could you please put the mask on?
- Jack Lemmon: Ah, go fuck yourself.
- [Throw the mask on the ground and walks off]
- [on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]
- Lorne Michaels: There was a time when I would have condemned such a system as censorship. But now I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
- Mr. Praline: [re-enacting the Parrot Sketch] Blimey, you wanna get anything done in this country, by which I mean the United Kingdom and it's overseas dependencies, you have to complain till you're blue in the face.