- Marilyn Monroe: Oh Joe, I'm so glad you're here. We just have to do one more shot, and then we go back to the hotel, for one of our long... awkward... silences.
- Tina Fey: Bush says that he kept the story of his arrest secret because he felt it did not set a good example for his daughters, preferring instead that they see him as a failed businessman who executes people.
- Tina Fey: Following the premature release of a controversial "Esquire" interview, an angry Bill Clinton told reporters, "I was promised faithfully that the interview would be released after the election and I believed it." Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it, Bill? How some people can look you right in the eye and lie to you like that? Bill? Ah, I talk a good game, but I'd still make out with him.
- Tina Fey: This week Brad Pitt was voted the Sexiest Man Alive by "People" magazine but unfortunately, he may lose the title in the Sexiest Man Electoral College.
- Tina Fey: During a ceremony at a Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem this week, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished the memorial's eternal flame. The embarrassed chancellor immediately apologized, telling Jewish leaders, "Mein bad."
- Rachel Dratch: Jimmy Fallon, will you marry me?
- Jimmy Fallon: Eh... I don't know what to say.
- Tina Fey: Okay, Jimmy, what will your answer be? Lorne is waiting to officiate the wedding should you choose to say yes.
- Jimmy Fallon: Wait, Lorne's a minister?
- Tina Fey: Eh, he's a ship's captain.
- Jimmy Fallon: I can't marry you... I just got Playstation 2, it's very time consuming.
- Robert Goulet: [singing Poppa by Notorious BIG] Throw your hands in the air if you think you're a player!
- Robert Goulet: Watch what I do with this little ditty from Mr. Sisqo called the "Thong Song." "Oh girl that dress is so scandolous, And you know another Nigga couldn't handle it. You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck Not like a what, what, what Baby move you butt,butt,butt I think I'll sing it again Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop. Thong Song"