- Bill Clinton: When I first heard about these charges of abuse, I was outraged. Prisoners being forced into a naked human pyramid is one of the most degrading things imaginable. Ordinarily, I have no problem with naked pyramids. I myself, have participated in literally thousands of them. You can read more about that in my forthcoming book. Specifically chapter 16, "Naked Human Pyramids." But this one is simply unacceptable.
- ABC announcer: And please don't miss 'I want a Butt for a face' The extreme makeover show for people everywhere who want real butts put on their faces. And if you like 'I want a Butt for a face', then you'll just love 'I want my Face on your Butt'. It's not an extreme makeover show, just a show for people who like great face-on-butt sex. But then it's back to the makeover shows with... 'Monster Garage Face'.
- Rick James: [during Duster's Digest advertisement] Hi, I'm wide-awake-nightmare Rick James. And whenever I can cool down long enough to read more than one word at a time, there's one magazine I always reach for: 'Shaved Asian'. But sometimes by mistake I pick up 'Duster's Digest', 'cause they send it to me for free. Inside each and every issue you'll find a disappointing lack of shaved asians but you'll also find a lot of useful articles. Articles like: 'Why you run faster when you're naked' or 'You've broken into the polar bear cage: now what?' or 'Which foot should I eat?' Thanks, Duster's Digest, thank you.