Sex and the City (TV Series)

Three's a Crowd (1998)

Sarah Jessica Parker: Carrie Bradshaw

Quotes 

• Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : I didn't know you were into children's books.

  Carrie : Well, who doesn't love children's books?

  Carrie : [in her head]  Five minutes of bodice-ripping material out the window. So, I did what any writer would do... I pulled an idea out of my ass.

  Carrie : Well, my story's about a little girl... named Cathy. Little Cathy.

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : And what makes Little Cathy special?

  Carrie : Well, um, she has these magic...

  [looks at cigarettes in her purse] 

  Carrie : ...cigarettes.

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : She has magic cigarettes?

  Carrie : Yes, "Little Cathy and Her Magic Cigarettes". And whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the whole wide world. Like Arabia or New Jersey! Of course that's going to be worked out.

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : You want to write a children's book about smoking?

  Carrie : Yes, it's a children's book for adults.

• [first lines] 

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Once upon a time in a magical land called Manhattan a young woman fell in love. Charlotte and Jack locked eyes at a black tie benefit for Epstein/Barr. She chased him through every disease in New York. They've been officially dating since retinus pigmentosis. Jack was perfect for her. Architect, philanthropist, and the sex was amazing. Late one night, Jack popped the inevitable question.

  Jack : So... what are you fantasies?

  Charlotte York : Oh, God. I'd love to own my own gallery, and maybe a little cottage in Maine.

  Jack : Well, actually I meant more like uh, screwing in an airplane bathroom kind of fantasies.

  Charlotte York : Oh? Um...

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  The closest Charlotte had ever come to getting screwed on a plane was the time she lost all her luggage in a flight from Palm Beach.

• Charlotte York : Jack wants us to do a threesome.

  Miranda : Of course he does. Every guy does.

  Samantha Jones : Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the nineties.

  Charlotte York : What was the blow job of the eighties?

  Samantha Jones : Anal sex.

  Carrie : Any sex, period.

  Miranda : Don't let him pressure you into it. It's just this guy's cheap ploy to watch you be a lesbian for a night.

  Samantha Jones : Don't knock it till you tried it.

• Carrie : Well, I've never done a threesome.

  Samantha Jones : Come on, of course you haven't. You in a threesome? You won't even wear a thong!

• Samantha Jones : [Discussing whom to call into the threesome]  Just make sure that the other woman isn't a friend. Use somebody random, you know, somebody you meet in a bar or something.

  Miranda : That's romantic!

  Charlotte York : No, I think that I'd feel safer with a friend. With someone I could trust, like Carrie.

  Carrie : Oh, gee, I'm flattered. But umm, I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.

  Samantha Jones : Well, thanks. But there is something sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.

  Charlotte York : Really?

  Miranda : [feeling out of the loop]  Oh great, no, forget about me.

  Samantha Jones , Charlotte York , Carrie : Oh, come on!

  Miranda : You know, I'd do it with you guys. It's like, it's like picking teams for dodge ball all over again.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Was Samantha right? Were threesomes the new sexual frontier? No question. Guys were infatuated with threesomes. And when I started looking, they were everywhere. After all, our lives are built on threesomes. Fat, low-fat, non-fat. First, Business, Economy. Moe, Larry, Curly. Maybe we were never meant to do it with only one other person. Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future. Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy guest starring in a show I like to call 'Sam Does The Married Guy'.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  Ken was thirty seven, a wine importer, unhappily married to a woman who designed modular office furniture. This affair was the most exciting thing that happened to him since the ninety-four Montrachet. Five, hours later, Charlotte's night was just beginning. She and Jack had just had another fantastic date, dancing for dyslexia.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  Who knows whether it was her vodka or her vibe, but Charlotte suddenly did feel a little warm.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  That night, she had an eye-opening experience. Charlotte hadn't been that excited since she tried on her JV cheerleading uniform for the first time.

• Shrink : So what do you think your dream meant?

  Miranda : I'm in a sandbox with Charlotte, Sam, and Carrie, and none of them will play with me. Please, it's obvious.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Across town, Miranda was dealing with her own nightmare.

  Miranda : Look, I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me. I'm attractive, I'm smart, right? Plenty of people should want me for a threesome.

• Carrie : Dreams are a really good way to experiment. It's like a... it's like buying a dress and keeping the tags on.

  Charlotte York : Do you think it means I should do it? Have a threesome? Jack says that I have a fire inside me.

  Carrie : You tell him they make a cream for that.

  Charlotte York : I'm serious!

  Carrie : I know, but it's your call. Don't do it just to make Jack happy.

  Charlotte York : But maybe it would bring us closer.

  Carrie : Sweetie, don't you think it's weird that you're thinking of sleeping with someone you don't know, to get closer to Jack?

  Charlotte York : But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  That was the thing about Charlotte. Just when you were about to write her off as a Park Avenue Pollyanna, she'd say something so right on, you'd think she was the Dalai Lama.

  Charlotte York : Do you think my hair is too shiny today?

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  And then she'd say something else.

  Charlotte York : Do you?

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  But the bigger question remained: if Charlotte was actually considering a threesome, who wasn't? The Village Voice had more ads for looking for threesomes than it did for small rat-infested studios renting at a thousand a month. But who actually answered these ads?

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  I seemed to be the only person in New York who still believed in the one-on-one relationship. Mr. Big and I were actually doing sleep-overs.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  Why is it that putting a tie around a man's neck is sometimes even sexier than taking it off?

  Mr. Big : What are you doing for lunch today? I could maybe swing an hour between meetings.

  Carrie : No, sorry. I can't. I have to interview someone.

  Mr. Big : About what?

  Carrie : Threesomes. Ever done one?

  Mr. Big : Sure. Who hasn't?

  Carrie : Really? With who?

  Mr. Big : My ex-wife.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Suddenly my column was the last thing on my mind.

• Samantha Jones : This is ideal No muss, no fuss.

  Carrie : Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.

  Miranda : Does this color turn you on?

  Samantha Jones : [voice over narration]  You had to hand it to Miranda. She was determined.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  It was the last straw, she was smart, beautiful, and she got me. I'd have to kill her. Meanwhile, Samantha was about to have her own close encounter with the third kind.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  That afternoon was a first for Samantha. She successfully screwed a guy in under two minutes. The more Miranda analysed, the worse her nightmares got.

  Miranda : So the four of us get in a cab, only they won't let me sit in the back with them. They make me ride up front with the drive who happens to be the original Chris from 'The Partridge Family'.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  That night, I thought I could put the whole Barbara thing out of my mind. After all, Mr. Big was with me now.

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : Nibbling his ear lobes? How sweet. Let me show you how it's really done.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  So I guess you couldn't avoid a threesome. Because even if you're the only person in the bed, someone has always been there before you.

  Mr. Big : Hey, what just happened? Where'd you go?

  Carrie : Preoccupied.

  Mr. Big : No kidding. About what?

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Your ex-wife's breasts, your ex-wife's lips, your ex-wife's long legs.

  [Spoken] 

  Carrie : ... My column.

  Mr. Big : You know, I didn't tell you I was married because it was a long time ago.

  Carrie : What happened?

  Mr. Big : Alienation of affection, followed by divorce. Let's not talk about the past, please.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  What Mr. Big didn't realise was the past was sleeping right next to me. The next day the flesh and blood Barbara asked me to lunch.

• Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : Listen I have some not great news.

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  I'm back with Mr. Big!

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : The head guys didn't go for Little Cathy. But fuck 'em, they wouldn't know a good book if it bit 'em in the ass.

  Carrie : Yeah, fuck 'em.

  Barbara, Mr. Big's Ex-Wife : I still love the project, and at the risk of sounding like a groupie, I'd really like it if we could become friends.

  Carrie : Friends?

  [voice over narration] 

  Carrie : Two hours and four chardoney's later, I was sleeping with the enemy.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  That night at the attention deficit disorder masquerade ball, Charlotte felt free to indulge her fantasy. It's amazing what some sequins on a stick can do to free up inhibitions.

  Jack : So... who here is your type?

  Charlotte York : Do you like peacocks?

  Jack : Do you?

  Carrie : [voice over narration]  Then Charlotte did the unthinkable.

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  She realised that this was her moment. If she was going to take the plunge, it was now or never. Unfortunately it was Jack who plunged first. Apparently someone else's fire was a little stronger than Charlotte's. She was not the guest star in this fantasy. Meanwhile, at a bar downtown...

• Carrie : [voice over narration]  That night Miranda finally got her validation. Her shrink has suggested she comes three times a week. I didn't see Mr. Big for eight days.