- [Lisa has had a nightmare]
- Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
- Homer: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
- [Homer bursts into Bart's room]
- Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
- Bart: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- [Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]
- Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
- Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
- Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
- Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
- Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.
- Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now -
- [paranoid like Howard Hughes]
- Mr. Burns: except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?
- Smithers: Uh, no sir.
- [Homer finds a pair of horn-rimmed glasses floating in a toilet bowl. He puts them on, then puts a finger to his head, a la the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz."]
- Homer: [rapidly] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triange is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
- Man in Stall: That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Lisa: Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean we haven't had a meal with Mom all week, and she hasn't even started my costume for the geography pageant.
- Bart: Pipe down, sister. I gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli.
- [shudders]
- Principal Skinner: And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!
- [Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest]
- Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho!
- Principal Skinner: Yes, of course you are.
- [Burns flashes back to his childhood on the Springfield Waterfront: as a little boy riding the bumper cars, he ignores the other cars and heads straight for the legs of an Irish worker painting the rail]
- Irishman: AH! Why, you little-!
- [turns around and gasps]
- Irishman: Master Burns! I mean, carry on.
- [laughing, Burns ploughs repeatedly into his legs]
- Irishman: AH! OOH! OW! Oh, me leg's gone gammy! Who'll provide for me little ones?
- [Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
- Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
- James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer.
- [Homer deals Bond a card]
- James Bond: Joker? You were supposed to take those out.
- Homer: Oh, sorry.
- [Homer deals Bond another card]
- James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
- Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
- [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
- James Bond: But it was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose.
- [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino]
- James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination.
- Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho, ho, I'm not falling for *that* one again.
- Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.
- [performing at Bart's Casino]
- Robert Goulet: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey!
- [cheering and applause]
- Robert Goulet: Thank you, thank you very much...
- [twirls his microphone, hits Milhouse]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Ow!
- Robert Goulet: Oh! I'm sorry, kid.
- Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
- Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
- Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
- Henry Kissinger: Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
- [thinking]
- Henry Kissinger: No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.
- Captain McAllister: [pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship] I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
- Mr. Burns: We're building a casino!
- Captain McAllister: Arr... can you give me five minutes?
- Welcomer to Casino: Hi Ex-Boxer Gerry Cooney welcoming you to the Mr. Burns Casino
- Otto Mann: OK see you
- Welcomer to Casino: Oh and by the way...
- Otto Mann: I said Knock it off
- Otto Mann: [Otto Punches Mr. Cooney] He is not so tough!