The Simpsons (TV Series)
Bart the Murderer (1991)
Joe Mantegna: Fat Tony
Photos
Quotes
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Bart : Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony : Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart : No.
Fat Tony : Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart : Uh uh.
Fat Tony : And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart : I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony : Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart : Hell, no.
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[the Simpsons are watching a TV movie loosely based on the episode's events]
Movie Announcer : 'Blood on the Blackboard: The Bart Simpson Story'. Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson!
[Neil Patrick Harris - as Bart - is holding Skinner at gunpoint]
TV Fat Tony : Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here.
TV Bart Simpson : [slaps Fat Tony] Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner?
[Skinner spits in his face]
TV Bart Simpson : Not smart.
[shoots him]
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[watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon]
Fat Tony : It's funny because it's true.
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Fat Tony : What's a murder?
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Principal Skinner : [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom] I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when
[in flashback]
Principal Skinner : I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.
Louie : [to Skinner] We really think there's promise in the boy.
Principal Skinner : [rising from his desk] Get out!
Fat Tony : Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.
Principal Skinner : To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.
Chief Wiggum : Find anything this time boys?
Lou : Nah, no sign of him Chief.
Chief Wiggum : Princess Opal?
Princess Opal : I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
Chief Wiggum : But they seemed so happy.
Principal Skinner : I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
[yelling]
Principal Skinner : I'M IN HERE!
Chief Wiggum : Well, let's go.
Eddie : Ok Chief.
Principal Skinner : Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.
Prosecuting Attorney : [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause] Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
Judge Snyder : Denied. Case dismissed.
Lionel Hutz : Your Honour. Do I still get paid?
