The Simpsons (TV Series)

Bart the Murderer (1991)

Phil Hartman: Troy McClure, Joey, Godfather, Lionel Hutz

Quotes 

• Lionel Hutz : Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

• Troy McClure : I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as: "The Revenge of Abe Lincoln" and the "Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West".

• Principal Skinner : [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom]  I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when

  [in flashback] 

  Principal Skinner : I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.

  Louie : [to Skinner]  We really think there's promise in the boy.

  Principal Skinner : [rising from his desk]  Get out!

  Fat Tony : Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.

  Principal Skinner : To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.

  Chief Wiggum : Find anything this time boys?

  Lou : Nah, no sign of him Chief.

  Chief Wiggum : Princess Opal?

  Princess Opal : I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.

  Chief Wiggum : But they seemed so happy.

  Principal Skinner : I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.

  [yelling] 

  Principal Skinner : I'M IN HERE!

  Chief Wiggum : Well, let's go.

  Eddie : Ok Chief.

  Principal Skinner : Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.

  Prosecuting Attorney : [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause]  Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.

  Judge Snyder : Denied. Case dismissed.

  Lionel Hutz : Your Honour. Do I still get paid?