- Bart Simpson: [seeing a silhouette of Homer against a spotlit sky] Hey, look, is that Dad?
- Lisa Simpson: Either that or Batman's really let himself go.
- Coyote: [v.o] Find your soul mate, Homer.
- Homer Simpson: But where? Where?
- Coyote: [v.o] I'm just your memory. I can't give you any new information.
- Chief Wiggum: I've added a secret ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenengo!
- [the crowd gasps]
- Chief Wiggum: Grown deep in the jungles primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
- Homer Simpson: We're so different! It's like you're from Venus!
- Marge Simpson: And you're from Mars.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, sure, give *me* the one with all the monsters!
- Homer Simpson: [notices the sun rising and setting according to how he walks] Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrisesunsetsunrisesunsetsunrisesuns-
- [He accidentally breaks the sun]
- Homer Simpson: AAAHH! Note to self: stop doing anything.
- Coyote: I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right.
- [gets a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands]
- Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
- Homer Simpson: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
- Coyote: [snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get *more* possessions. You don't even have a computer.
- [Homer is on the phone, looking for a soul mate in the personal ads]
- Homer Simpson: Hello, is this GBM? You wrote in the personals that you're looking for a soul mate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies.
- [pause]
- Homer Simpson: No, I don't like *that*.
- [pause]
- Homer Simpson: Or that. It's not that I'm afraid...
- [hastily]
- Homer Simpson: I'm going to hang up now, bye!
- [hangs up the phone]
- Homer Simpson: [runs screaming into a field]
- Ralph Wiggum: Hey, Mister!
- Otto: Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.
- Homer Simpson: [sits down on top of the huge pyramid] I hate this place! WHY AM I HERE?
- Coyote: [voice only] You are on a quest for knowledge.
- Homer Simpson: Who said that?
- [the Moon turns around revealing itself to be an eye, Saturn flies next to the eye and becomes a second eye. The large red face of a Space Coyote appears in the sky, smiles at Homer and moves down to the top of the pyramid]
- Coyote: Fear not Homer. I am your spirit guide.
- Homer Simpson: Hiya.
- Homer Simpson: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop.
- [the pro shop is on top of a giant pyramid, as well]
- Homer Simpson: And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
- Talking Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog!
- Talking Dog: [barks]
- Homer Simpson: Damn straight!
- Coyote: I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right.
- [gets a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands]
- Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
- Homer Simpson: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
- Coyote: [snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get *more* possessions. You don't even have a computer.
- [the coyote growls and starts chewing on Homer's leg]
- Homer Simpson: Hey! Knock it off!
- [Homer kicks the coyote off his leg]
- Coyote: Sorry. I am a coyote.
- Homer Simpson: What's that smell? Chilli? Chilli powder? It's chilli! Oh my! It's the chilli cook off! I'm missing the cook off! It's going on right now and I'm missing it!
- Homer Simpson: [seriously] Gimme some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with ya!
- Coyote: Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness, so listen well: To make yourself complete, you must find your Soulmate.
- Homer Simpson: Soulmate?
- Coyote: Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond, a profound, mystical understanding.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, Lisa.
- [Bart points to his hat which has a clock on it and underneath, it reads...]
- Bart Simpson: "Time for chili".