The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer and Apu (1994)
Hank Azaria: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Man with Neck Damage, Homeless Man #2
Photos
Quotes
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The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.
Apu : That's great, because all I need is one.
Homer : Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.
Homer : Really?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.
Homer : You?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. Thank you, come again.
Apu : But sir, I!
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Thank you, come again.
[Homer and Apu are leaving the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer : Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
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Apu : [after he is shot] Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.
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Apu : [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome, there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived, you were all such jerks, but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can philosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer : [laughing] That's okay.
Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Now here's the tricky part. Oh, won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge : Their floors are sticky-mart.
Lisa : They made dad sick-e-mart.
Bart : Let's hurl a brick-e-mart.
Homer : The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer , Marge , Lisa , Bart : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu : Not me!
Homer , Marge , Lisa , Bart : Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu : Not me.
Homer : Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm, much quicker than usual.
Marge : I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer : And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu : [Sobbing]
Homer : Hey, what's that sound?
Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer : Hey, he's not happy at all. He lied to us through song! I hate it when people do that!
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Apu : I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer : You're... selling what, now?
Apu : I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer : You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door]
Apu : He's got me there.
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Apu : Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.
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Apu : Ah, fired. After all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live anymore!
[grabs one of the spoiled hot dogs]
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : [fighting him for the wiener] Give me that wiener!
Apu : No! I don't want to live, sir!
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : You give me that wiener!
[Apu tries to put it in his mouth]
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : No, Apu, it's not worth it!
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Thief : [an armed robber enters the Kwik-E-Mart] Alright you! Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff!
James Woods : Hey pal. I assure you if I tried any funny stuff you would be in hysterics.
Thief : Hey, you're James Woods.
James Woods : [flattered] Oh, thank you. Yes. Thank you.
Thief : Well, Mr Woods. Your new song is gonna be "No. 3 With a Bullet".
[cocks the gun]
James Woods : Er... I'm not a singer.
Thief : Shut up!
[the thief takes aim]
Apu : Nooooooooo!
[the thief fires but Apu takes the bullet by acting as a human shield so the thief hightails it]
James Woods : Apu!
Apu : Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I missed you. I mean... I think I'm dying.
[Apu loses consciousness]
James Woods : Oy.
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[Apu sniffs the expired meat]
Apu : Jiminy Cricket! Ooh! Expired ham.
[scribbles out the expiration date and sets it on a for-sale rack]
Apu : No, this time, I am going too far. No,
[Homer walks in]
Apu : no one will forfeit...
Homer : Woohoo! Cheap meat!
[grabs the ham]
Homer : Ooh! This one's open.
[eats the ham]
Homer : [Homer is now in the living room, still eating the ham. His stomach growls]
Homer : Ooh! Stomach churning!
[eats some more]
Homer : Bowls clenching! Not much time!
[falls to the floor, off-screen]
Homer : Must finish!
[we hear him eating more]
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[Homer and Apu are riding on camels to the airport]
Apu : I'm sorry we couldn't take a cab, but I spent my last dollar on the plane tickets.
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Homer : Your old meat made me sick!
Apu : Ooh, I am so sorry.
[puts a bucket of shrimp on the counter]
Apu : Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer : [sniffs the shrimp] This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu : [sets another bucket of shrimp on the counter] Okay. Ten pounds.
Homer : Woohoo!
