The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer the Vigilante (1994)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Santa's Little Helper, Barney Gumble, Grampa, Irish Man, Saxaphonist, Otto Meyer, Crowd Members
Quotes
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Kent Brockman : Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer Simpson : Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman : I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer Simpson : Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman : [pause] Well, touché.
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Homer : So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
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Jimbo Jones : Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer Simpson : I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo Jones : Can I!
Homer Simpson : You're in. Here's the sack!
Moe Szyslak : But you gotta supply your own knobs!
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Lisa Simpson : Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson : Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson : And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson : D'oh!
Marge Simpson : He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson : Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson : Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson : You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson : [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.
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Homer Simpson : It's time to clean up this town!
Seymour Skinner : Meaning what, exactly?
Homer Simpson : You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
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Homer Simpson : Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
Moe Szyslak : You're an idiot.
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Seymour Skinner : Any sign of the burglar yet?
Homer Simpson : He'll show.
Seymour Skinner : How's that?
Homer Simpson : It's his job.
Seymour Skinner : How's that?
Homer Simpson : He's a burglar.
[they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]
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Homer Simpson : Never ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.
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Homer : [reading the newspaper] Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.
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Homer Simpson : So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Seymour Skinner : How ironic.
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Homer Simpson : All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge Simpson : And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson : Marge, they're only human!
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Jimbo Jones : You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing, no more! I'm going to law school!
Homer : NOOOOOOOOO!
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Lisa Simpson : [after their house is robbed] We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
Marge Simpson : Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.
Homer : Mm...
[shaking his fist at a jar]
Homer : Curse you, magic beans!
Marge Simpson : Oh, stop blaming the beans.
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Grampa : [at Flanders' neighborhood watch meeting] I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first, I was just filled with vinegar.
Homer : Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.
Grampa : [sputtering] Too old? Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me! That's who.
Irish Man : And a fine job you did, too.
Homer : Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
[tickling him]
Homer : Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are!
Grampa : [laughing, then stopping him] Stop it! It's a form of abuse!
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Malloy : Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
Homer Simpson : Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
Abe Simpson : Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
Moe Szyslak : Shut up.
Abe Simpson : [meekly] I've had my moment.
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Homer : Asleep at the switch. I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart Simpson : I believe you, dad.
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Ned Flanders : Hidely-ho, neighborinos.
Homer : Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.
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Homer : [Lisa cries over her stolen saxophone] Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.
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Homer : We don't need a thinker, we need a doer. Someone who'll act without considering the consequences.
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Marge Simpson : I don't think the guns are a good idea.
Homer : Marge! We're responsible adults.
Moe Szyslak : [gunshot] Whoops.
Homer : And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...
Captain McCallister : [gunshot] Sorry.
Principal Skinner : [gunshot] Uh-oh.
Moe Szyslak : [gunshot] Me again.
Bart Simpson : [gunshot] Sorry.
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Bart Simpson : The burglar even took my stamp collection.
Lisa Simpson : *You* had a stamp collection?
[as the family laughs, Bart picks up the ringing phone receiver]
Nelson Muntz : Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
Lisa Simpson : Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself.
Homer : Shh! Quiet, Lisa.
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Marge Simpson : Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa Simpson : And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer Simpson : Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
Lisa Simpson : World domination?
Homer Simpson : Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
[thinks]
Homer Simpson : Mental note: the girl knows too much.