- George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
- Homer: Oh, my God! Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?
- George Harrison: [indicating a nearby table] Over there. There's a big pile of them.
- Homer: [eating them ravenously] Oh, man.
- George Harrison: Wow, what a nice fellow.
- Barney's Girlfriend: I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man's hat.
- Moe Szyslak: Sure.
- [serves drink]
- [the Be Sharps are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986]
- Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons.
- Panicking Man: This enormous lady will devour us all!
- [Screams and jumps into the ocean]
- Homer: I meant the statue!
- Homer: [trying to write a song, Homer is inspired by a "Baby on Board" car sign] Hmmm, Baby on Board. Baby on Board, something something Burt Ward... this thing writes itself!
- Additional Voices: Apu, there are rumors that you are a Hindu. Is this true?
- Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
- Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you're not still popular.
- Bart: What'd you do, screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
- Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.
- [the "Baby on Board" lyrics]
- Homer, Apu, Principal Skinner, Barney: Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!
- Marge Simpson: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool!
- Man at Swap Meet: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
- Abe Simpson: That's my son up there.
- Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
- Abe Simpson: Um, no, the, er, Hindu guy.
- Homer Simpson: I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.
- [Everyone laughs]
- Barney Gumble: [stops laughing] I don't get it.
- [after Johnny Carson makes a joke about him, Clancy fires his gun at the television several times, without hitting it]
- Sarah Wiggum: Clancy, use the remote!
- Chief Wiggum: I can't find it.
- Sarah Wiggum: Well, check your holster.
- Chief Wiggum: [looks] Oh, yeah.
- Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
- Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! Twenty six conversions in A.D. 46.
- Nelson Muntz: Whoa. A Methuselah rookie card!
- Ned Flanders: Heh heh. Well, boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?
- Bart: Religion?
- Milhouse Van Houten: Learning?
- Nelson Muntz: Let's get out of here!
- Lisa Simpson: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam.
- [squirts the funny foam on Homer]
- Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.
- [looks over at Bart who's eating the foam]
- Homer: Bart!
- Bart: [with a mouth full of foam] What?
- Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business: what goes up must come down.
- Lisa Simpson: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years.
- Bart: So's Sinatra.
- Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of...
- Lisa Simpson: Dean Martin still packs 'em in.
- Bart: Ditto Tom Jones.
- Homer: Shut up!
- Reporter: Uh, Barney, how did you join the group?
- Barney Gumble: They found me on the men's room floor.
- [thinking he's joking, the reporters laugh. Barney sheds a tear]
- Marge Simpson: [leaving the swap meet, dismayed] Nobody bought a wishbone necklace.
- Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire.
- [the driver's side tire blows out]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Reporter #3: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified?
- Principal Skinner: [deadpan] Yes. Yes, it is.
- [laughter]
- Principal Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen. What do we call ourselves?
- Nigel: How about... Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?
- Barney: I like it!
- Principal Skinner: Uh...
- Apu: Wait, I do not.
- Principal Skinner: No, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
- Apu: How about the Be Sharps?
- Principal Skinner: [they all laugh] Perfect.
- Homer: The Be Sharps.
- Principal Skinner: The Be Sharps.
- Barney, Apu, Nigel: [putting their hands together] The Be Sharps.
- Chief Wiggum: The Be Sharps.
- [they all glower at him]
- Chief Wiggum: Ha, ha, ha. Heh, heh, Well, you can't blame a guy for trying. Heh, heh... heh. Aw, you're all under arrest.
- Homer: It was one lousy applicant after another. And then...
- Barney: [from the bathroom in Moe's] Over in Killarney/So many years ago...
- Apu: Such a voice.
- Principal Skinner: Who is that?
- Barney: Me mother sang this song to me/In tones so soft and...
- [he belches]
- Homer, Principal Skinner, Apu: Barney!
- Lou: [watching the Be Sharps perform on the roof of Moe's] Pretty, huh, Chief?
- Chief Wiggum: It sure is, Lou. It sure is. Get the tear gas.
- Homer: [after hearing "Baby On Board" could be a hit] Wait'll I tell Marge.
- Nigel: Oh, yes. Bouffant Betty. Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can.
- Homer: Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.
- [at the house, Marge cries into her pillow]
- Homer: [trying to comfort her] Come on, honey. It'll only be 'til we finish our tour of Sweden.
- Mayor Quimby: [to his protection detail] Human roaches, feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity.
- [tapping his microphone to get people's attention]
- Mayor Quimby: Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet! Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron.
- [polite applause]
- Mayor Quimby: [covering the mic] I need a drink and a shower.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's that champagne you ordered, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer: Oh, thanks.
- [handing over his Grammy in lieu of a tip]
- Homer: Here.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Wow! An award statue! Oh... it's a Grammy.
- Man Below Balcony: [tossing it over the balcony, it hits someone on the deck below] Hey, don't throw your garbage down here.
- [throwing it back, it hits Homer in the head]
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
- Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream.
- Nigel: Homer, I'm a theatrical agent. And I want to represent your group.
- Homer: Really?
- Nigel: Yeah. You've got "it". All except that police officer. Yech! Too Village People. You have to replace him.
- Homer: Just leave it to me.
- Chief Wiggum: [later, in Homer's car, sticking his head out the window like a dog] Where are we goin'? Where are we goin'?
- Homer: [stopping and opening the door] Run along, boy. You're free now!
- Chief Wiggum: [as he gets out, Homer speeds away] No! No!
- [baying like a wolf to the full moon]
- Chief Wiggum: Nooooo!
- Homer: [returning to the power plant after the Be Sharps break up] Hey, fellas, I'm back.
- Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired.
- [a chicken sits at Homer's station, pecking at buttons]
- Carl: Hey, Queenie, you can go now.
- Homer: I'll give her a good home.
- [back in the present, he pats his stomach]
- Homer: And I did. I'll never forget my five and a half weeks at the top.
- Human Fly: [the one-off Be Sharps reunion takes attention away from him] Hello! Human fly here. Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.
- Marge Simpson: [hearing "Baby on Board" on the radio] Homer, you're going to be famous.
- Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
- Marge Simpson: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
- Homer: I stuck him somewhere.
- Lisa Simpson: Wow! An original Malibu Stacey from 1958.
- [picking the toy up and seeing its perky, pointy breasts]
- Lisa Simpson: Ooh.
- Man Selling Malibu Stacey: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.
- Lisa Simpson: Oh, my.
- Ned Flanders: [as the Be Sharps perform at church] You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.
- Reverand Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas.
- Ned Flanders: [gasp] Oh, my stars!
- Apu: [after the Be-Sharps have broken up, Apu goes back to work at the Kwik-E-Mart] Well, it may not pay much, but at least it's good, honest work.
- Kwik-E-Mart Customer: How much for this expired carton of milk?
- Apu: Twelve dollars!
- [as the Be-Sharps re-unite]
- Principal Skinner: I can't remember the last time we were all together.
- Apu: Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.
- Paul Harvey: ...and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn!
- Abe Simpson, Jasper: Wow!
- Bart: [after Homer tells his family about his barbershop quartet] Man, that's some story!
- Lisa Simpson: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today?
- Bart: Yeah. And what happened to the money you made?
- Lisa Simpson: Why haven't you hung up your gold records?
- Bart: Since when could you write a song?
- Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!
- [Bart and Lisa leave the room]
- Homer Simpson: Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing, and the crowds went *wild*.