- Kent Brockman: [Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny] Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
- Campers: [Burning Krusty in effigy] Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!
- Kent Brockman: A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.
- Kent Brockman: What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader.
- Homer: [Camera shows the Camp Bart flag; Homer's thinking] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
- Homer: [Camera shows Bart as the ringleader] D'oh!
- [Homer loses the hair that grew back and regains the weight he lost while the kids were away]
- Lisa: [writing a letter] "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa."
- Marge Simpson: [chuckling as she reads Lisa's letter] Ah, kids' letters from camp. Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.
- Homer: Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Bart: That's Not Krusty the Klown!
- Mr. Black: What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?
- [laughs weakly]
- Barney Gumble: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!
- [belches]
- Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
- Krusty the Clown: [loud sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, do you remember the promise you made to the kids at the beginning of the school year?
- Homer: Sure do! "When you're eighteen, you're out the door!"
- Bart: This camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, forced us to make wallets for export and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
- Bart: Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
- Krusty the Clown: Was it a nice hat?
- Bart: Oh yeah.
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
- Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!
- Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
- Barney Gumble: Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!
- Bart: [sees his report card; pleading] Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average, I can't go to Kamp Krusty!
- Edna Krabappel: Have a "D"-lightful summer!
- [chuckles]
- [At Kamp Krusty Fat Camp]
- Kamp Krusty Counsellor: All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up!
- [while the kids at Kamp Krusty are starved and tormented, the counsellors sit down to a sumptuous meal]
- Jimbo Jones: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.
- Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil.
- [as the campers begin rioting]
- Mr. Black: I thought you said you broke their spirits!
- Jimbo Jones: [in rising fear] We did!
- Mr. Black: [slapping Jimbo across the face] You broke *nothing*!
- Bart: Let's get 'em!
- Mr. Black: To the hydrofoil!
- Krusty the Clown: I'm no fake! I'm the real Krusty!
- Lisa: Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom "President Clown"?
- Krusty the Clown: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
- Principal Skinner: [on the last day of school] Attention all students, this is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction? Now let's trash this dump!
- [Mr. Black announces Krusty the Klown]
- Bart: [half-crazed] See? I told you Krusty would come! Ha-ha! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!
- Krusty the Clown: Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!
- Mr. Prince: We'll see you when you get back from image enhancement camp.
- Martin Prince: Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!
- Mr. Prince: You promised you wouldn't make a scene.
- Marge Simpson: [looking through Bart's luggage] Bart, where are your bathing trunks?
- Bart: I'm gonna swim nekkid!
- Marge Simpson: What?
- Bart: Ah, sure, there'll be some uptight counselors there who won't dig the Bart Philosophy. But I believe the human body is a thing of beauty...
- Homer: [enters in his underwear] Marge, am I crazy, or is my back getting hairier?
- Lisa: [handing out confiscated care packages] Kowalski!
- Kowalski: My brownies!
- Lisa: Wiggum!
- Ralph Wiggum: A change of underwear!
- Lisa: Crandall!
- Crandall: My insulin!
- [Bart frees the kids from the Kamp Krusty Fat Camp]
- Bart: My chunky brothers! Gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!
- Mr. Black: Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. For the past fifteen years, I was President of Euro Krusty Land... until it blew up. I'll take any questions you might have.
- [half a dozen hands are raised]
- Mr. Black: You, and then, uh... one more.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Can we call you Uncle Blackie?
- Mr. Black: No.
- Marge Simpson: Bart, where's your bathing suit?
- Bart: I'm gonna swim naked.
- Marge Simpson: You're what?
- Bart: Aw, sure, there'll be a couple of up-tight counselors who won't dig the Bart philosophy, but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.
- [Homer walks into theroom wearing nothing but underwear]
- Homer: Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?
- Campers: [singing] Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty, By the shores of Big Snake Lake. Though your swings are rusty, We know they'll never break.
- Campers: [singing] From your gleaming mess hall, To your hallowed baseball field, To your spic 'n' spam infirmary, Where all our wounds are healed.
- Campers: [singing] Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty, Below Mt. Avalanche. We will always love Kamp Krusty. A registered trademark of the Krusty Korporation. All rights reserved.
- [Kearney is eating the jellybean cookies Marge sent Lisa]
- Kearney: [to Lisa] Hey Simpson, tell your mom her cookies suck!