The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa's Substitute (1991)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Station Announcer, Guard

Photos 

Quotes 

• Homer : Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

• Bart : [on Lisa]  I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her.

  Homer : Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

• [Homer is trying to comfort Lisa after Mr. Bergstrom has left] 

  Homer : Oh, this isn't working at all!

  Lisa Simpson : [wanting him gone]  Look, if you just want me to forgive you...!

  Homer : No, no! I just wish I knew what to say.

  [he opens Lisa's music box, and a tune begins to play] 

  Homer : Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you you lost someone special to you, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is right under this roof.

  Lisa Simpson : Oh...

  Homer : No, it's true. Now you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks.

• Homer : [to Bart]  I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

• [Lisa's crying in her room] 

  Homer : Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?

  Lisa Simpson : No!

  Homer : [aggravated]  Nuts!

• Marge Simpson : Homer! Did you take care of...

  Homer : Ah-ah-ah. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

• Mr. Bergstrom : Actually, mister Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. First they pull the brain out through the nose with an iron hook and stuff the insides with sawdust and onions.

  Lisa Simpson : Eww, gross!

  Homer : Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

  Lisa Simpson : Oh, Lord...