The Simpsons (TV Series)
Marge vs. the Monorail (1993)
Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum, Apu, Carl, Snake, Sea Captain, Wiseguy, Agent Malone, Man Talking to Leonard Nimoy, Monorail Switchboard Operator #1, Pilot
Quotes
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[the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]
Leonard Nimoy : A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
Man : [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?
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Mayor Quimby : All right, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum : Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby : Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum : Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Mayor Quimby : You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
Chief Wiggum : I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
Mayor Quimby : Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
Chief Wiggum : Fine!
[then]
Chief Wiggum : Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
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Lyle Lanely : [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders : Monorail!
Lyle Lanely : What's it called?
Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : Monorail.
Lyle Lanely : That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd : Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover : I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely : [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu : Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely : Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble : What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely : You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson : Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely : No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum : The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely : Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd : [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely : [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd : [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely : Once again!
Crowd : [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
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Mayor Quimby : Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer : Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby : In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu : Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy : Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson : Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby : Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2 million.
Lisa Simpson : Don't you mean $3 million?
Mayor Quimby : ...Of course. How silly of me.
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Airline Pilot : [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Lyle Lanely : [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
[realizes]
Lyle Lanely : Oh, no... OH, NO!
North Haverbrook Man : [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
[as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
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[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
Apu : Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum : Crybaby.
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[Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby are reviewing the town charter]
Chief Wiggum : Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month!
[reads]
Chief Wiggum : And "two comely lasses of virtue true".
Mayor Quimby : Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
[pulls the charter away]
Chief Wiggum : Hey, hey, hey! Let go, you're rippin' it!
Mayor Quimby : No, you are!
Chief Wiggum : No, you are!
Mayor Quimby : Let go; that's the charter!
