The Simpsons (TV Series)
22 Short Films About Springfield (1996)
Hank Azaria: Apu, Dr. Nick Riviera, Moe Szyslak, Snake, Superintendent Chalmers, Chief Wiggum, Lou, Bumblebee Man, Sea Captain, Cletus, Comic Book Guy, Kirk Van Houten, Very Tall Man, Prof. Frink
Photos
Quotes
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Principal Skinner : Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!
Superintendant Chalmers : I thought we were having steamed clams.
Principal Skinner : Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams". That's what I call hamburgers!
Superintendant Chalmers : You call hamburgers "steamed hams"?
Principal Skinner : Yes. It's a regional dialect.
Superintendant Chalmers : Uh-huh. Er, what region?
Principal Skinner : Uh, upstate New York.
Superintendant Chalmers : Really? Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
Principal Skinner : Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Superintendant Chalmers : I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite of a "steamed ham"]
Superintendant Chalmers : You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Principal Skinner : Oh, ho-ho, no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
Superintendant Chalmers : For steamed hams.
Principal Skinner : Yes!
Superintendant Chalmers : Yes, and you call them "steamed hams", despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
[shows Skinner the grill marks]
Principal Skinner : Uh, yuh, I... you know, th... one thing I sh... 'scuse me for one second.
[exits into the kitchen]
Superintendant Chalmers : Of course.
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Principal Skinner : [yawning after noticing his roast is burning his kitchen] Aaahhhh! Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all - I'm pooped!
Superintendant Chalmers : [checks his watch] Yes, I should be...
[sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
Superintendant Chalmers : GOOD LORD! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?
Principal Skinner : Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers : A... Aurora Borealis! At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner : Yes!
Superintendant Chalmers : [beat] May I see it?
Principal Skinner : No.
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Lou : I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum : The Mc-what?
Lou : Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie : Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.
Lou : But you know, it's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum : Example.
Lou : Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum : Get out. What do they call it?
Lou : A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese.
Chief Wiggum : "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"?
Lou : Yeah, they call them "shakes."
Eddie : Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.
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[a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at]
Tall Man : Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
Nelson : Yes.
Tall Man : Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
[gestures to his Beetle]
Tall Man : This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I, therefore, be made the subject of fun?
Nelson : [nervously] I guess so.
Tall Man : [grunts frustatedly] Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune? Huh? Maybe we should find out!
Tall Man : [Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww, march!
Tall Man : [honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him!
[the entire crowd yells "HA-HA!" at Nelson]
Tall Man : Wave to the people! Blow them kisses!
Nelson : [breaks down in tears] Wah-wah!
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Superintendant Chalmers : Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
Principal Skinner : Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
Superintendant Chalmers : Eh.
Principal Skinner : [sees his oven smoking and his roast burning] Oh, ye Gods! My roast is ruined!
[looks out the window to a nearby Krusty Burger]
Principal Skinner : But, what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour!
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Cletus, the slack jawed yokel : [while hanging from a telephone poll] Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here.
[shouts]
Cletus, the slack jawed yokel : Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!
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[Pulp Fiction Spoof: Snake is driving Lil' Bandit when he sees Chief Wiggum walk in front of him]
Chief Wiggum : [singing] Donuts, I got donuts, I got...
[Notices Snake]
Chief Wiggum : Hey I know you!
[Snake purposely runs him over, crashes his car and then flees]
Chief Wiggum : Hey wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!
[They chase each other into a pawn shop]
Herman : [Holding them at gunpoint] Looks like the spider caught himself a couples of flies.
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Hospital Chairman : Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick : But I cleaned them with my napkin.
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Apu : For the next 5 minutes I'm going to party like its on sale for 19.99!
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[the Professor Frink theme song]
Professor Frink : Professor Frink, Professor Frink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
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Snake : [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.
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Comic Book Guy : You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
