- Kent Brockman: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
- Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy. He was an accident!
- Marge Simpson: Homer!
- Homer: Uh, could you edit that last part out?
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
- Homer: D'oh!
- [Sting is helping in the digging effort to rescue Bart. As he digs, he sighs with exhaustion]
- Marge Simpson: Sting, you really should rest. You'll wear yourself out.
- Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me!
- Marge Simpson: Actually, I've never heard Bart listen to one of your albums...
- Homer: Shh, Marge! He's a good digger!
- Bart Simpson: [speaking from his microphone] Rod! Todd! This is God!
- Rod Flanders: How did you get on the radio?
- Bart Simpson: Whaddya mean, "How did I get on the radio?"! I CREATED THE UNIVERSE! Stupid kids.
- [Rod and Todd quickly fall to their knees and clasp their hands]
- Todd Flanders: Forgive my brother. We believe you!
- Bart Simpson: Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you...
- [Rod tries to but only hits himself]
- Bart Simpson: Later.
- [laughs]
- Todd Flanders: What do you want from us?
- Bart Simpson: I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.
- Rod Flanders: But those cookies belong to our parents.
- Bart Simpson: Ugh! Look - do you want a happy God, or a vengeful God?
- Todd Flanders: Happy God!
- Bart Simpson: Then quit flappin' your lip and make with the cookies!
- Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders: Yes, sir!
- [while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]
- Apu: [gasp] The canary.
- Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.
- [everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]
- Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
- Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE.
- [everyone runs back in, yelling]
- Lisa: Bart Simpson! The thought of a boy trapped in a well brought out the kindness and love of the entire community. When they find out you've been fooling them, they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? And how are they gonna find out?
- Lisa: The police'll catch you sooner or later.
- Bart Simpson: The pol-ice!
- [sniggers]
- Bart Simpson: They couldn't catch a cold.
- Lisa: Maybe not, but I bet you're stupid enough to leave a "Property of Bart Simpson" on that radio.
- Bart Simpson: D'oh!
- Sting: [singing] There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy, who's stuck halfway to Hell.
- Sideshow Mel: [singing] Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
- Rainier Wolfcastle: [singing] We go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
- Celebrity singers: [singing] And we're sending our love down the well...
- Krusty the Clown: [singing] All the way down!
- Celebrity singers: [singing] We're sending our love down the well...
- Krusty the Clown: [singing] Down that well!
- Kent Brockman: [Interviewing Krusty about the ''We're Sending Our Love down the Well" video] Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties?
- Krusty the Clown: We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well.
- Homer: Hey, boy, how's the microphone workin'?
- Bart Simpson: Fine.
- [he replies apathetically, moving out of the way of the window where the microphone in the box is being used to prop the window open]
- Homer: Bart! I would love to get a present like that!
- Bart Simpson: Here, you go - enjoy!
- [handing the box to Homer]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Casey Kasem: [Doing the Casey Kasem's countdown] And our number one hit, "I Do Believe We're Naked", by Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well", which plunges all the way down to number 97.
- Bart Simpson: [at the barber shop, getting a shave] Digital audio tape, my butt! When I was a kid, we had compact discs, and I don't recall no one complaining.
- Jake the Barber: Damn right.
- Bart Simpson: I'm here for my free birthday sundae.
- [the clerk places a tiny sundae on the counter]
- Phineas Q. Butterfat's Clerk: Eat it and get out!
- Homer: Bart, I bet you think nothing's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present.
- Bart Simpson: Next.
- [tosses the gift apathetically after unwrapping it]
- Marge Simpson: Bart, be polite.
- Bart Simpson: Next please.
- [apathetically]
- Bart Simpson: [after a brief dance lesson] Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party.
- Rosarita: Farewell, Señor Bart.
- Sting: Yeah, I used to open for Krusty back in 69. In fact, he fired me as I recall. But this isn't about show business. It's about some kid down a hole, or something, and we all have to do what we can.