The Simpsons (TV Series)

Separate Vocations (1992)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, Kearney, Panicking Teacher #1

Quotes 

• Bart Simpson : Wow! Can I see your club?

  Lou : It's called a baton, son.

  Bart Simpson : Oh. What's it for?

  Lou : We club people with it.

• Principal Skinner : How would you like to be a hall monitor?

  Bart Simpson : Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?

  Principal Skinner : That's the meat of it.

  Bart Simpson : Hmm...

  [in Bart's daydream, he is testifying in a murder trial, his face and voice electronically disguised] 

  Prosecutor : Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw?

  Bart's Electronically Altered Voice : I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.

  Mr. Montone : [pulls a knife]  I kill you!

  [he lunges toward the witness stand and grabs Bart] 

  Bart's Electronically Altered Voice : Ay, caramba!

  [back in reality] 

  Bart Simpson : ...I don't know.

• Lisa : Bart, why did you take the blame?

  Bart Simpson : Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

• Lisa : [Lisa's just discovered her future vocation after a career aptitude test.]  A homemaker! I might as well be dead!

  Marge : Lisa, it's not that bad.

  Homer : So, what are you gonna be, boy?

  Bart Simpson : Policeman.

  Homer : [Chokes on food.] 

  Marge : Oh, that's nice, Bart. You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.

  Homer : No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

• Bart Simpson : Hey - I don't need you to get me into the back of a police car.