The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Front (1993)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Child in Action-Figure Man, Todd Flanders

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script] 

  Bart Simpson : Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?

  Grampa : I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

• Bart Simpson : Grampa, we need to know your first name.

  Grampa : [gasps]  You're making my tombstone?

  Lisa Simpson : No, no, we're just curious.

  Grampa : All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.

  [pulls them out] 

  Grampa : It holds the answer to all the important questions.

  [reads] 

  Grampa : "Call me... Abraham Simpson."

  Lisa Simpson : Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?

  Grampa : ...I don't know.

• Lisa Simpson : [watching an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon]  This is a rather lifeless outing.

  Bart Simpson : Don't worry, they're building to something.

  Scratchy : [Itchy hits him with a mallet]  Ow.

  Itchy , Scratchy : Kids, say "no" to drugs.

  [they smile, and the cartoon ends] 

  Krusty the Clown : Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...

  [realizing the cameras are rolling] 

  Krusty the Clown : Hey, whoa, wasn't that great, kids?

  Lisa Simpson : That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

  Bart Simpson : Cartoons have writers?

  Lisa Simpson : Yeah, sort of.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, yeah? Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that.

  Lisa Simpson : [getting an idea]  Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

  Bart Simpson : Probably not.

  [in a thought bubble, he holds on a gun on Santa Claus] 

  Bart Simpson : Lie in the snow and count to 60.

  [as Santa does so, he climbs into Santa's sleigh and flies away with an evil laugh] 

  Bart Simpson : Merry Christmas, suckers!

• Lisa Simpson : It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

  [Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head] 

  Homer : Marge, it happened again!

  [he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle] 

  Bart Simpson : What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?

  Lisa Simpson : Lois Sanborn.

  Bart Simpson : [points to himself]  Steve Bennett.

• [the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God] 

  Todd Flanders : We're not going to church today!

  Ned Flanders : *What*? You give me one good reason!

  Todd Flanders : It's Saturday!

  Ned Flanders : Okely-dokely-doo!

• Lisa Simpson : Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.

  Grampa : I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.

  Bart Simpson : [he falls asleep]  Grampa?

  [tapping his shoulder] 

  Bart Simpson : Grampa.

  Grampa : [jerking awake]  Ah! Duh! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.

  Bart Simpson : Do we have a deal?

  Grampa : Sure, sure.

  [he falls asleep again; in his thought bubble, two cowboys prepare to duel] 

  Grampa : [coming out dressed as an Old West showgirl]  Boys, stop! You can both marry me.

• Lisa Simpson : [completing their "Itchy & Scratchy" script]  Finished. Now all we have to do is put our names on it.

  Bart Simpson : Fine. Put my name first.

  Lisa Simpson : No way!

  Bart Simpson : All right, then to decide it, I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.

  Lisa Simpson : Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this. Rock, Paper, Scissors.

  [thinking] 

  Lisa Simpson : Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock.

  Bart Simpson : [thinking]  Good old rock. Nothing beats that.

  [pumping their fists] 

  Bart Simpson : Rock.

  Lisa Simpson : Paper.

  Bart Simpson : D'oh!

• Homer : Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it.

  Bart Simpson : Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect.

  Homer : I never graduated from high school.

  [Bart starts laughing; enraged, Homer grabs and strangles him] 

• Lisa Simpson : Bart, they rejected our script.

  Bart Simpson : I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.

  Lisa Simpson : Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 'cause we're kids. Let's put a grown-up's name on it.

  Bart Simpson : How about Grampa? He's pretty out of it. He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.

• Grampa : Hello, son. I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.

  Homer : Oh... you have a job?

  Grampa : They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do.

  Homer : I see.

  [in a thought bubble, he carries a humming Grampa to the nuthouse in a wheelbarrow and leaves him there] 

  Bart Simpson : Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute?

  Homer : All right, but if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.

• Roger Meyers Jr. : Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Yay!

  Roger Meyers Jr. : Abe, you coming?

  Grampa : Any stairs?

  Roger Meyers Jr. : Just one.

  Grampa : Nuts to you.

• Grampa : Here, kids, I guess you deserve this. Let's go.

  Lisa Simpson : I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa?

  Grampa : Nope.

  Bart Simpson : I'll never watch an awards show again, unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

• Bart Simpson : Yo, Grampa, time for the awards.

  Grampa : Did you call the girl from the escort service?

  Lisa Simpson : They said their insurance won't cover you.

  Grampa : Ooh, that's an onion in the ointment.