- [Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]
- Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
- Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
- Grampa: [writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.
- Principal Dondelinger: All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions, True or False.
- Homer: True.
- Principal Dondelinger: Eh, homer, I was just describing the test.
- Homer: True.
- Principal Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just take the test, and you'll be fine.
- Homer: False.
- Homer: All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can continue killing you with beer.
- Homer's Brain: It's a deal.
- Principal Dondelinger: Now, I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has.
- Homer: Noooooo!
- Principal Dondelinger: The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet doughnut.
- Homer: This is not happening...
- Roger Meyers Jr.: If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts.
- Writer #1: But, sir, at Harvard...
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired!
- Marge Simpson: An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.
- Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
- Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
- Marge Simpson: Oh my God!
- Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
- Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
- Marge Simpson: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.
- Bart Simpson: Grampa, we need to know your first name.
- Grampa: [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
- Lisa Simpson: No, no, we're just curious.
- Grampa: All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
- [pulls them out]
- Grampa: It holds the answer to all the important questions.
- [reads]
- Grampa: "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
- Grampa: ...I don't know.
- [News has just gotten out that Homer never graduated]
- Barney Gumble: Didn't graduate? How low can you get?
- Audience Member #2: Barney, where's your cummerbund?
- Barney Gumble: [sadly] It fell in the toilet.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: You're a comedy writer? My god, you're so old.
- Grampa: I want my check!
- Roger Meyers Jr.: [laughing] You're a writer, all right. All right, here you go, Simpson.
- Grampa: I want another one!
- Roger Meyers Jr.: You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week.
- Grampa: My chest hurts.
- Jingle singer: Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders!
- Homer: Not me!
- Jingle singer: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!
- Lisa Simpson: [watching an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] This is a rather lifeless outing.
- Bart Simpson: Don't worry, they're building to something.
- Scratchy: [Itchy hits him with a mallet] Ow.
- Itchy, Scratchy: Kids, say "no" to drugs.
- [they smile, and the cartoon ends]
- Krusty the Clown: Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...
- [realizing the cameras are rolling]
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, whoa, wasn't that great, kids?
- Lisa Simpson: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
- Bart Simpson: Cartoons have writers?
- Lisa Simpson: Yeah, sort of.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
- Lisa Simpson: [getting an idea] Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Bart Simpson: Probably not.
- [in a thought bubble, he holds on a gun on Santa Claus]
- Bart Simpson: Lie in the snow and count to 60.
- [as Santa does so, he climbs into Santa's sleigh and flies away with an evil laugh]
- Bart Simpson: Merry Christmas, suckers!
- Lisa Simpson: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
- [Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
- Homer: Marge, it happened again!
- [he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
- Bart Simpson: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
- Lisa Simpson: Lois Sanborn.
- Bart Simpson: [points to himself] Steve Bennett.
- [the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God]
- Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today!
- Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason!
- Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!
- Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo!
- Krusty the Clown: So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body, eliminating my need for cigarettes.
- [goofy laugh; after a moment of silence, he starts licking the patch]
- Krusty the Clown: Roll the cartoon.
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.
- Grampa: I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.
- Bart Simpson: [he falls asleep] Grampa?
- [tapping his shoulder]
- Bart Simpson: Grampa.
- Grampa: [jerking awake] Ah! Duh! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.
- Bart Simpson: Do we have a deal?
- Grampa: Sure, sure.
- [he falls asleep again; in his thought bubble, two cowboys prepare to duel]
- Grampa: [coming out dressed as an Old West showgirl] Boys, stop! You can both marry me.
- Lisa Simpson: [completing their "Itchy & Scratchy" script] Finished. Now all we have to do is put our names on it.
- Bart Simpson: Fine. Put my name first.
- Lisa Simpson: No way!
- Bart Simpson: All right, then to decide it, I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.
- Lisa Simpson: Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this. Rock, Paper, Scissors.
- [thinking]
- Lisa Simpson: Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock.
- Bart Simpson: [thinking] Good old rock. Nothing beats that.
- [pumping their fists]
- Bart Simpson: Rock.
- Lisa Simpson: Paper.
- Bart Simpson: D'oh!
- Homer: Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect.
- Homer: I never graduated from high school.
- [Bart starts laughing; enraged, Homer grabs and strangles him]
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, they rejected our script.
- Bart Simpson: I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.
- Lisa Simpson: Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 'cause we're kids. Let's put a grown-up's name on it.
- Bart Simpson: How about Grampa? He's pretty out of it. He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.
- Homer: Marge, I have my pride. I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma, and get back my "most improved odor" trophy.
- Marge Simpson: Hello, Principal Dondelinger.
- Principal Dondelinger: Oh, Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you. Sorry, sir. We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight, but we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Principal Dondelinger: Oh, it's you, Simpson.
- [shaking his head]
- Principal Dondelinger: Yeech.
- Bobby Mindich: [handing out alumni awards] First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight. Homer Simpson.
- Homer: [running up to accept it] Oh, my god!
- Bobby Mindich: How'd you do it, Homer?
- Homer: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
- Roxie: Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [reading the accompanying note]
- Roger Meyers Jr.: "Dear, Mr. Meyers. My brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere..." blah, blah, blah, bling-bling-bling, blah.
- [crumpling it up]
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Hey, egghead! Sing "Fair Harvard".
- Writer #1: [singing] Fair, Harvard, I...
- [Meyers throws the note into his mouth]
- Writer #1: [taking it out] You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Here's a witty rejoinder for ya!
- [he throws his nameplate at the writer, which hits him in the forehead]
- Bobby Mindich: And now, the award for most improved odor. Homer Simpson.
- Homer: Yes!
- Bobby Mindich: And the person who traveled the least distance to be here...
- [Southern accent]
- Bobby Mindich: Well, kiss my grits. Homer Simpson.
- Homer: [accepting the award] What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
- Principal Dondelinger: [clearing his throat] Ahem. Class of '74, I was just, uh, leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1A and thus never graduated from high school. I'm sorry, Simpson, I'm gonna have to take back those awards.
- Grampa: Hello, son. I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.
- Homer: Oh... you have a job?
- Grampa: They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do.
- Homer: I see.
- [in a thought bubble, he carries a humming Grampa to the nuthouse in a wheelbarrow and leaves him there]
- Bart Simpson: Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute?
- Homer: All right, but if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
- Marge Simpson: Time to go to the reunion.
- Homer: It'll be great to see the old gang again. Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
- Marge Simpson: That was "Happy Days".
- Homer: No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad, Tom Bosley, had to get it back.
- Writer #1: Sir, you locked my office, and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: [throwing his nameplate again] Shut up!
- Artie Ziff: Hello, Marge. Have you heard? I'm stinking rich.
- [sticking the head of his cane in Homer's face]
- Artie Ziff: Jealous?
- Homer: I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
- Artie Ziff: I would.
- Homer: [considering it] Hmm!
- Marge Simpson: Homer!
- Krusty's Chef: Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday. So I got your mother's recipe for matzo balls.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, I don't do the Jewish stuff on the air.
- Krusty's Chef: But, Herschel, bubelah...
- Krusty the Clown: [through gritted teeth] Ixnay on the ew-jay.
- Homer: I never passed Remedial Science 1A.
- Marge Simpson: And you're a nuclear technician?
- Homer: Marge, ixnay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay.
- Marge Simpson: What did you say?
- Homer: [ashamed] I don't know. I flunked Latin, too.
- Principal Dondelinger: Welcome to Remedial Science 1A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
- Homer: Will this be on the test?
- Principal Dondelinger: No!
- Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
- [he erases "dead wife" from his notebook]
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
- Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Yay!
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Abe, you coming?
- Grampa: Any stairs?
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Just one.
- Grampa: Nuts to you.
- Grampa: [accepting his writing award] That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit. It was disgusting and violent. I think all you people are despicable. For shame!
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Good news, Abe.
- Grampa: Who are you?
- Roger Meyers Jr.: [laughing] No, no, you've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
- Grampa: Oh, no, we're all doomed. I'm a complete fraud.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Huh? Sorry, I didn't catch any of that.
- [checking his watch]
- Roger Meyers Jr.: And now I gotta go.
- Homer: Marge, I passed!
- Marge Simpson: That's wonderful, Homie.
- Homer: At our next high school reunion, I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
- [flashforward to their 50th reunion in 2024]
- Homer: Hello, Dondalinger.
- Principal Dondelinger: Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head?
- Homer: [Marge face-palms in embarrassment] D'oh!
- Grampa: Here, kids, I guess you deserve this. Let's go.
- Lisa Simpson: I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa?
- Grampa: Nope.
- Bart Simpson: I'll never watch an awards show again, unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.
- Bart Simpson: Yo, Grampa, time for the awards.
- Grampa: Did you call the girl from the escort service?
- Lisa Simpson: They said their insurance won't cover you.
- Grampa: Ooh, that's an onion in the ointment.
- Lisa Simpson: Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons.
- Roger Meyers Jr.: [passing by the same water cooler and janitor numerous times] Well, we cut corners. Sometimes, to save money, our animators will reuse the same backgrounds over and over and over again.
- Animation Awards Announcer: And now, to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series, Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, here we are; the star of "The Blue Lagoon" and me, the blue-haired goon. What the...
- [double-checking the cue card]
- Krusty the Clown: That's terrible.
- Brooke Shields: Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty?
- Krusty the Clown: First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothing to work with here. Nothing.
- Brooke Shields: Uh...
- Krusty the Clown: [walking offstage] Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
- [practicing his acceptance speech]
- Grampa: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust...