The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Old Man and the Lisa (1997)

Harry Shearer: Lenny, Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman

Quotes 

• [Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929] 

  Mr. Burns : Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?

  Smithers : Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

• [Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach] 

  Mr. Burns : You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?

  Lisa : Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.

  Mr. Burns : Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.

  Lisa : [unimpressed]  There's a can.

• [a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion] 

  Bret "The Hitman" Hart : Eww. This place has got old man stink.

  Mr. Burns : Ooh.

  Waylon Smithers : Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

• Mr. Burns : [to a group of senior citizens working for him]  I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.

  Grampa : Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

• [Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks] 

  Mr. Burns : Hmm, let's see...?Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?

  Blue Haired Lawyer : It's, uh, steady.

• Mr. Burns : Aaahhh, the baby who shot me.

  [after Maggie gives Mr. Burns a gun-firing hand gesture] 

• Mr. Burns : Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

• Smithers : How dare you question Mr. Burns!

  [to Lisa] 

  Mr. Burns : I'll handle it, Smithers. Ha ha, shut up little girl.

• Smithers : Sir, I'm so sorry my grocery committed you. I'll never shop there again.