- Kent Brockman: [after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic] Where did you get that statistic?
- Michael Moore: Your Mother!
- Lisa: Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
- Principal Skinner: What about gym?
- Lisa: [indifferent] Meh.
- Seymour: [singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never start.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I'm so drunk, I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hay.
- Bart: Lisa is a fool.
- Seymour: I think the rules are cool.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I've fallen in the pool!
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.
- Homer Simpson: I wish I married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.
- Lisa: Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school?
- Principal Skinner: I can't see the harm.
- Lisa: [taking his intercom microphone] I hereby resign as your president, and for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately!
- Principal Skinner: [taking it back] Give me that! Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined, unless all of you do it, then I'm stymied.
- Principal Skinner: [after the students go on strike] Lisa, please, help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants.
- Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.
- Principal Skinner: Yes, Mother.
- Bart: [reading a school bulletin] "All extracurricular activities are hereby canceled, to be replaced by nothing."
- Milhouse Van Houten: [the students all gasp] Who would sign such an order?
- Bart: "As ordered by Principal Skinner and approved by student body president Lisa Simpson"!
- Milhouse Van Houten: [the students all gasp again] And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance.
- Lisa: I would have gone with you.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Well, you still can.
- Lisa: Well, I don't feel like it now.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [groaning in disappointment] That's cool.
- [slapping himself]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
- Lisa: In the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance...
- Principal Skinner: Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last.
- Edna Krabappel: It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day.
- Lisa: [looking it over] "Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots", "move the brushfire hazard needle". Um, shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy?
- Principal Skinner: Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions.
- Lisa: [giggling happily] Well, I am proud of my light.
- Principal Skinner: But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall. Use it anytime you like.
- Lisa: You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer?
- Principal Skinner: Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorization forms, and you can be on your way.
- [she does so, and he leads her out]
- Principal Skinner: [chuckling] That little girl should learn to read things before she signs 'em.
- Lisa: [coming back] Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, it's just standard key release boilerplate.
- Lisa: [leaving] Okay.
- Principal Skinner: Boy, she'll believe anything.
- Lisa: [coming back again] Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe.
- Principal Skinner: Mm-hmm, and yet there it is.
- [ushering her out]
- Principal Skinner: I'll just lock this door.
- Lisa: [coming back yet again] Boy, this key opens everything.
- Principal Skinner: Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President. Your Casino Night is a huge success.
- Martin Prince: Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of "Saved By the Bell."
- Principal Skinner: Mm, that was always on too late for me.
- Homer Simpson: [after Lisa is transferred to a new school] I'm not driving 45 minutes a day! You can't go to that school!
- Lisa: But this is my dream.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater?
- Lisa: [getting into the car] Okay, let me take figure skating.
- Homer Simpson: [driving away] Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me.
- Lisa: Well, what can I be?
- Homer Simpson: I don't know. How about a horse whisperer?
- Lisa: Okay.
- Homer Simpson: Over my dead body.
- Principal Skinner: [the striking students chant a "2, 4, 6, 8"-ish rhyme] Why didn't I cancel Sign-Making and Creative Chanting?
- Marge Simpson: Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs?
- Principal Skinner: Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them?
- Homer Simpson: No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother.
- Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem.
- [picking up a brick, he throws it at a school window; it rebounds and hits him in the head, knocking him out]
- Lisa: Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
- Marge Simpson: Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym?
- Lisa: They've taken away our crepe paper.
- Marge Simpson: Those fuddruckers!
- [police cars pull up, a siren whooping]
- Marge Simpson: Oh, no, they heard me.
- Bart: Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.
- Homer Simpson: I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
- Martin Prince: Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you!
- Homer Simpson: But I'm up $200,000!
- [grabbing Martin]
- Homer Simpson: Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?
- Martin Prince: You don't understand; it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!
- [to the shocked people]
- Martin Prince: Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.
- [the people begin rioting and overturning the game tables]
- Lenny: [pushing a slot machine] Look at me! I'm a big man!
- [it falls on top of him]
- Lenny: But I break... just like a little girl.
- Principal Skinner: Mm, not a cloud in the sky; a perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M: So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt?
- Chalmers: T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"?
- Homer Simpson: I'll put everything on lucky 17.
- [Lisa spins her prize wheel]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo!
- [as the wheel slows down]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'ooooh!
- [the wheel lands on 17]
- Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!
- Lisa: And the winner is... 17!
- Homer Simpson: I win!
- [hugging Marge]
- Homer Simpson: This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One!
- Marge Simpson: Ooh!
- Lisa: I can't beat Nelson.
- Homer Simpson: Why don't you start a rumor that he's... ding-a-ling-a-ling!
- [in a high-pitched falsetto, sing-songy voice]
- Homer Simpson: Hello! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata.
- Lisa: I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.
- [Homer prances around the front yard, humming]
- Marge Simpson: Honey, you can be popular. You've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way.
- Lisa: No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options...
- Homer Simpson: [coming back in wearing a tutu, lisping] "My name is Nelson! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face."
- Marge Simpson: Where did you get that tutu?
- Homer Simpson: Clothesline.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Lisa, can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
- Lisa: Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [taking a picture as she poses] The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?
- Lisa: Oh, don't be silly.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [she opens the door] Look at me, I'm Milhouse. I've tucked me shirt into me underpants!
- [teachers, Otto, and Skinner roar with laughter]
- Groundskeeper Willie: I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, boy, Casino Night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
- Marge Simpson: I really shouldn't be here; I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
- Homer Simpson: Aw, Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
- Marge Simpson: Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!
- [pushing her way through, she goes to Ralph Wiggum's blackjack table]
- Marge Simpson: Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted! Mmm.
- [she throws a martini in his face]
- Nelson Muntz: So, when's my inauguration?
- Chalmers: [checking his watch] Hmm, let's see... uh, when hell freezes over, tough guy.
- Lisa: I think I can say with all humility, I am going to be the best school president ever.
- Bart: [clapping, sarcastic] Bravo, Lisa. Bravo.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
- Bart: I was being sarcastic.
- Marge Simpson: You were?
- Bart: [with heavy sarcasm] No, I was being sincere.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm so confused.
- Bart: Lise, Skinner is using you, like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
- Homer Simpson: On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.
- Lisa: And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
- Marge Simpson: I'm so proud of you, Lisa.
- Lisa: [holding a hand to her ear] What?
- Marge Simpson: You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won where she failed miserably.
- Nelson Muntz: [Lisa has won over the students through song] Hey, I've got a song, too. "I am Iron Man."
- [humming the song's guitar riff]
- Nelson Muntz: Vote for me! Ah, screw it.
- Principal Skinner: Well, this was a disaster.
- Martin Prince: I should have known. The same thing happened on "Saved By the Bell."
- Principal Skinner: Care for a milk?
- Martin Prince: No, thank you.
- Principal Skinner: Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
- Martin Prince: [crying] I'll have that milk now.
- Principal Skinner: [he starts drinking it] Easy there. That's whole milk.
- Martin Prince: I'm a private citizen now. I can drink what I like. You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore.
- [he does the Richard Nixon double-"V for victory" salute and is pulled away in a red wagon]
- Principal Skinner: [counting the student body president votes] Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks".
- Chalmers: Skinner! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Principal Skinner: Yeah, the students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.
- Lisa: Nelson, you're running for president?
- Nelson Muntz: I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer *keys* to every test.
- [students clamor around him]
- Nelson Muntz: [passing them out] Fractions? Dinosaurs? Foreign money? The first Thanksgiving?
- Edna Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
- Nelson Muntz: Real estate license exam?
- Edna Krabappel: [taking it] My ticket to freedom!
- Lisa: [dismayed, as the students all start chanting for him] I'm doomed.
- Lisa: You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!
- Principal Skinner: Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.
- Chalmers: And not a good placemat. It's from some place called Doodles.
- Lisa: [singing] What have I done?
- Bart: What they wanted you to.
- Lisa: Skinner betrayed me.
- Bart: But a tango takes two.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I almost had a date. I've gotta tell Willie about this.
- Principal Skinner: Lisa Simpson, you've just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus.
- Kent Brockman: [reporting on the student strike] The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.
- Bart: [outside the school] Lisa is a nut/She has a rubber butt/Every time she turns around, it goes "putt-putt".
- Kent Brockman: [back in the studio] Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
- Chalmers: [turning a TV off] Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.
- Principal Skinner: Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?
- Groundskeeper Willie: They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself.
- Principal Skinner: Well, that's a good idea, too.
- Groundskeeper Willie: See, here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.
- Chalmers: Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.
- Principal Skinner: You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.
- Chalmers: Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.
- Additional Voices: Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all, just like my last massage.