- Burt Campbell: I love bagels - love 'em! Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods, which is something most people don't know. For instance, there's absolutely no safe way to slice a bagel, except maybe you get someone else to do it for you. I mean, you have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half along with a bagel. You go to any synagogue, I mean, you'll see half the congregation has a finger missing.
- Danny Dallas: Elaine, I think it's time we had a talk.
- Elaine Lefkowitz: Oh, please don't. I mean, it's not one of your strong points.
- Charles Lefkowitz: Danny, when you said you couldn't kill your stepfather, we said we were gonna kill you. But then my daughter interceded and saved your life. But when she did that, I told you that you still owed us a favor. Well, this is it. You either marry my daughter or I'll kill you. It's that simple - marry Elaine or I'll blow your brains out! Well, what's it gonna be?
- Danny Dallas: Is it too late to kill my stepfather?
- Burt Campbell: This is not your nervous breakdown. This is more your Three Faces of Eve. Actually, it's your Two Faces of Burt. There's this one - the normal one - and the other one that goes away. I wonder how she got three faces.