The Sopranos (TV Series)
Army of One (2001)
James Gandolfini: Tony Soprano
Photos
Quotes
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, and for what? To come home to this?
A.J. Soprano : Sucks to be you.
[slaps AJ]
Carmela Soprano : [gasps] My God, Tony!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!
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Jackie Aprile Jr. : [crying over the telephone] Tony, please. I'm sorry. Please don't hang up. For my dad, if not for me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Well, he's been dead two years. As a matter of fact, the expiration date was last week, and on all your bullshit with that.
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Sad day.
Junior Soprano : Mm hmm. Kid was always a dumb fuck though, wasn't he? Didn't he almost drown in three inches of water?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : The penguin exhibit. Jack always tried to lay off all Jackie's problems on a learning disorder, but...
[thinks for a moment]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Well, stupidity would be a learning disorder, wouldn't it?
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [opens the compact fridge, slams it and gives it a good kicking] I been dreaming of that fucking lo mein all the way the fuck over here. Now, who came in here and ate my shit?
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Tony Soprano : My son, has panic attacks, now obviously we can't send him to military school, pediatrician said, his got that putrid rotten fuckin Soprano gene
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : It's a slight tick in his Fight-or-flight response, it doesn't "brand" him as anything
Tony Soprano : You know it comes down through the ages because I remember hearing about my great, great, great grandfather, drove a mule cart over a mountain road. He was transporting these valuable jugs of olive oil, and has a panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : When you blame your genes, your really blaming yourself and that's what we should be talking about
Tony Soprano : Fuckin Verbum Dei School, it turns out it happened before but they didn't tell us, idiot nurse she diagnosed it as dehydration from football practice. Can you believe they did not inform the parents? I prefer to resolve things directly but this time I'm going to sue
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Well, that's your right
Tony Soprano : [Tearfully sighs]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Anthony?
Tony Soprano : [as she moves the tissue box closer to him, before shaking his head] you don't understand
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Make me understand
Tony Soprano : We can't send him to that place
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Yes?
Tony Soprano : How are we going to save this kid?
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [while reading through military school brochures during dinner] now this I like, "Highly Structured Environment."
Carmela Soprano : Which one is that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : H.M.I. Hudson Military Institute: "A Second Century of Excellence."
A.J. Soprano : I never said I was going
Carmela Soprano : We're just looking honey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : We're looking, and then your going
Carmela Soprano : [Answering the phone when it rang] hello? Oh, hi Marie, no, oh my God. Where's Rosalie?
Marie : She's right here, she can't come to the phone
Carmela Soprano : Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can
Carmela Soprano : [after hanging up] oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : What is it?
Carmela Soprano : Jackie Jr. was shot to death in the Boonton projects by drug dealers.
Carmela Soprano : [while running out the kitchen] I'm going over to Rosalie's
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [to A.J., after Carmella left, implying this is what happens when teenagers don't apply themselves academically and commit crimes] you see?
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Carmela Soprano : [after Tony slapped AJ causing him to run upstairs] The school guidance counselor said this might be a cry for help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Oh, come on will ya?
Carmela Soprano : She recommended a school in New Brunswick: Bernwod Dei, it's for troubled kids. There's a psychologist right on staff
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : No, no more fuckin schools that coddle him. His going to military school
Carmela Soprano : What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : That's right I got some brochures
Carmela Soprano : You got school brochures?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Yeah from Janice. She was going to send Harpo there but she didn't have the money and it was too fuckin late
Carmela Soprano : I'm not sending him away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : We're looking at those brochures!
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela Soprano : [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela Soprano : [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano : Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela Soprano : Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano : No way
Carmela Soprano : Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano : They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano : No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela Soprano : My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano : [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano : I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : You need toughing up
Carmela Soprano : [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano : I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!
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Carmela Soprano : [while arguing on whether to send AJ to military school] to train him to be a professional killer?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Oh, will you stop? Their soldiers and the United States army hardly goes to war anymore
Carmela Soprano : They were marching with rifles Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : They're symbolic
Carmela Soprano : Symbolic of what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [shouts] respect!
Carmela Soprano : He will be subjected to the discipline of kids hardly older than himself, does that seem smart? Boys his age kill frogs and small animals
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Referring to their neighbor's pet] the Cusamano's Binky? The cherry bomb with the nails, you think that was AJ?
Carmela Soprano : No, that is what I'm trying to tell you. He is still a child, his a normal child, his made some mistakes, and God knows his got a shit load to learn about life. But that does not mean I'm going to let you send him to the type of school whose whole reason for being is to make him follow orders by instilling fear
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : He thinks the world owes him a fuckin living
Carmela Soprano : [Sarcastically] what could given him that bizarre idea?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : We tried it your way for fifteen years now, validating his feelings and that fuckin school did the same thing: and what a surprise, he thinks the world runs on his feelings. Well, his going to learn how to be a man
Carmela Soprano : I will not send him to that place
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Grabbing the pillows from her implying his going to sleep on the couch for the night] oh, fuck that allow me
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Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : [before a sit down requested by Paulie, referring to Ralph not arriving on time] I got here first? Cocksucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : sit down, relax, have a coffee, he'll be here
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : I think I got ma situated
Silvio Dante : the Brother Joe home?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : [referring to the odor] nah, fuck that, we went there, almost gagged. Nah, we're gonna go with Greene Grove, based on your recommendation, Tone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : I never recommended it
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : yeah, you did, when your ma there. By the way, did she have the Silver Bird package?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [uninterested] I don't know
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : you know, Sil, it's the most expensive nursing home in the state
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : It's a retirement community
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : the level of care they have, ma was crying
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : eight grand a month?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : who gives a fuck? You see a seeing eye dog over here? Cup full of pencils?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : It'll be tough but I'll figure it out: worth every fucking penny, I'm the hero now
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : [to Ralph when he arrives] you're late
Ralph Cifaretto : [before Paulie tries to lunge at him for the insult] well, tomorrow I can be on time, but you'll be stupid forever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [to Paulie while holding him back] hey, sit down
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [to Ralph] sit the fuck down and shut up
Silvio Dante : so, who wants to talk first?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : what's to fucking talk about? I'm owed that fifty g's
Ralph Cifaretto : [raises his voice] fucking alarm code? Fifty g's? Five tops, maybe? As a finder's fee?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Freaking heist fell in your lap: you spend your days fucking those fat pigs in the outer office at the carpenters union
Ralph Cifaretto : three mill a year from construction this family sees
Silvio Dante : alright, five is the negotiating platform, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [referring to Ralph's crew] It's not five we all know that: these guys did the heavy lifting
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Little Paulie was good to go, fucking car never came. They left him waiting outside his house like an asshole in fucking eleven-degree weather
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [after thinking it over] Ralph, give him 12k
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : I can't believe this
Ralph Cifaretto : why not? Last year you believed that flying saucers were over East Rutherford
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [to Ralph, irritated from his insults] I'm not gonna tell you again
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : T, I'm asking you to reconsider this
Silvio Dante : [replying for Tony] Paulie, you requested a sit down, he heard you out
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Ralph Cifaretto : [meeting privately in Tony's car] Economic downturn, that's all you hear about but not you boy. You got three hundred g's at the Esplanade
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : Yeah, good job
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : [as Ralphie takes off his seatbelt] Jackie Jr. call you?
Ralph Cifaretto : no, why?
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : He called me
Ralph Cifaretto : oh, I'm sorry
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : No, don't apologize. Anyway, I told him to take it up with you
Ralph Cifaretto : what'd you want me to do? You're the boss of the family...
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : [interrupts him] whoa, whoa, we talked about this: you were gonna give him a "pass"? But he should know, you don't want to create confusion, insubordination, but more importantly, your decision should happen in a "timely fashion"
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : [after Ralph sighs and nods] But fuck it, why am I telling you? You know all this: you're a captain: chain of command is very important in our "thing"
Ralph Cifaretto : I'm sorry he called your house
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr. : [sternly] Don't apologize
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Junior Soprano : [referring to the low number of people attending Jackie Jr.'s wake at Nuovo Vesuvio] Look at this crappy turnout, you know if Jackie Sr. was still Acting Boss, with a child passed away, this place would be filled to the rafters: flowered cars up and down the block, no matter what the boy had done
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Bobby says you're out from under the house arrest, congratulations
Junior Soprano : My fuckin lawyer was finally able to demonstrate I'm not a "flight risk". Flight risk? I've been farting into the same sofa cushion for the last eighteen months, my RICO trial is coming up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : At least you're out and can eat regular food again
Junior Soprano : Fuckin illness changed my whole view point. I'm gonna "stop and smell the roses"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : We all should, I mean what the fuck?
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Major Zwingli : I for one think Anthony can greatly benefit from our program which as I candidly told him is very rigorous
Carmela Soprano : I will be very frank with you Major Zwingli, I do not agree with this hard-nosed discipline
Carmela Soprano : Mother's seldom do until he starts opening doors for you and pulling back your chair
Tony Soprano : Now that'd be a miracle, that's something we thought we could hope for
Carmela Soprano : What about creativity Tony? Independent thought?
Major Zwingli : I stressed rather heavily with Anthony notions of duty and group think but I didn't think for now mention the army's motto of today: Be an Army of One
Carmela Soprano : Why be an army at all? How about a veterinarian? Isn't there enough war? Amputees? Horrible displaced...
Tony Soprano : [Interrupts her] his just going to march around a little bit
Major Zwingli : I wouldn't get too hung up on the marching aspect, its part of it but it's nothing compared to the mentoring that comes through small class size, faculty involvement, and dorm life
Carmela Soprano : Well, that sounds wonderful certainly
Major Zwingli : We've created too many options for our kids you can't blame them for being confused and when things go wrong we file them off to the ever burgeoning for profit substance recovery industry
Tony Soprano : This "Army of One" thing, what happens when each army of one decides "fuck it I'm not going over the top of the fox hole" or blew the lieutenant's head off? Because they've been told "be an army of one"
Major Zwingli : I would submit Audie Murphy was an army of one
Carmela Soprano : [to Tony] is that what we're preparing him for? A career in the military?
Tony Soprano : No, no
Major Zwingli : One day at a time
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Referring to the age Jackie Jr. died] twenty-two years old. Living in the housing project. Imagine the shame for the family? Fortunately they were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : How's your daughter taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Not very well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : You certainly saw it coming with this boy didn't you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : [Slightly nods] in the end, I failed him but what the fuck are you going to do? The world today. I'll tell you one thing though: I'm not going to make the same mistake with AJ. Got expelled, we're sending him to military school
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : You know we never exactly discussed what you want for your children
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : I don't want them to end up in Booton with their face blown off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : You followed your father's into his business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : I didn't have a choice. I try to make sure my kids have every opportunity. Meadow's going to Columbia for Christ's sake. She wants to be some kind of professional woman: like you
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : A psychiatrist?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : And have to listen to guys like me whine all day? She mentioned being a pediatrician once
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : You'd like that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : Yeah I would like something like that but the important thing is that she get far away from me. She could live close
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : I think I understand, and your son?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. : AJ? In my business? Forget it, he'd never make it