- Stan Marsh: I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
- Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
- Stan Marsh: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
- Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!
- Miss Ellen: Why, that's a very scrumptious sausage, Kenny. Thank you.
- Kenny: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
- Mr. Herbert Garrison: [about the movie 'Contact'] Waited through that entire movie to see that alien and it was her goddamn father!
- Chef: [gloomy] Hello there, children.
- Cartman: Hey, Chef.
- Kyle Broflovski: How did your date with miss Ellen go?
- Chef: Not too good.
- Stan Marsh: What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
- Chef: No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
- [children look puzzled]
- Chef: I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
- [the children still don't have a clue]
- Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
- Stan Marsh: A whatbian?
- Kyle Broflovski: A prebian?
- Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
- Stan Marsh: [to Kenny] Kenny?
- [Kenny shrugs]
- Stan Marsh: No, explain it to us, Chef.
- Chef: That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
- Stan Marsh: Oh.
- Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
- [they walk on]
- Kyle Broflovski: Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
- Stan Marsh: Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
- Kyle Broflovski: Hey, yeah!
- Cartman: You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!
- Wendy Testaberger: [sees the rocket with Miss Ellen in it headed for the sun through a shoebox telescope and smiles] Bye Bye Miss Ellen
- Kyle Broflovski: [Shocked] You didn't!
- Wendy Testaberger: [takes the shoebox away to reveal disoriented eyes] I told her "Don't... fuck... with... WENDY... TESTABERGER!"
- [the boys enter Cartman's house, and see him licking the carpet]
- Stan Marsh: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
- Cartman: My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
- Kyle Broflovski: Really?
- Stan Marsh: Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
- [puts the CD in the player]
- Stan Marsh: .
- Kyle Broflovski: I got these killer Birkenstocks.
- [the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
- Stan Marsh: This is a bunch a' crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
- Cartman: [about Miss Ellen] She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
- Kyle Broflovski: Well that goes without saying, fatass. How could she help but look at you?
- Stan Marsh: You guys can stop fighting. It was *me* she was checking out.
- Cartman: Until you puked on her.
- Chef: What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
- Kyle Broflovski: Miss Ellen, dude. She's *beautiful*!
- Chef: Is she, like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
- Stan Marsh: Yeah, that one.
- Chef: Woo, I gotta meet this woman!