- [inside SpongeBob's mind.]
- SpongeBob Boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
- SpongeBob Worker: You don't pay me. You don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
- SpongeBob Boss: One more crack like that and you're outta here!
- SpongeBob Worker: NO, PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!
- Reg: This place is too tough for you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Too tough for me? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes.
- Reg: Listen, kid. I think you'd be more comfortable over at THAT place.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Weenie Hut Juniors? Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Juniors?
- Reg: Uh, no, sorry. I was actually pointing to the place next to it.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: SUPER Weenie Hut Juniors?
- Reg: Yeah! Unless you think you're tough enough to fight me.
- [as SpongeBob inhales, it cuts to him having a soda at Weenie Hut Juniors]
- Squilliam Fancyson: Squidward Tenticales has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs.
- Squidward Tentacles: [thinking] Lie... lie... lying always makes it worse...
- [Speaking]
- Squidward Tentacles: I own a five-star restaurant!
- Squilliam Fancyson: Squidward! I had no idea you were such a success.
- Squidward Tentacles: That's right!
- Squilliam Fancyson: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to *your* restaurant... tonight!
- Squidward Tentacles: [his nose shrivels in shock] T-t-t-t-tonight?
- Squilliam Fancyson: In fact, we'll all come! My treat!
- Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?
- Tough Fish: How tough am I? I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning.
- Reg: Yeah, so?
- Tough Fish: Without any milk.
- Reg: Uh, right this way. Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Spongbob boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
- SpongeBob worker: You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
- Squidward Tentacles: Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
- Patrick Star: You mean like a weenie? Okay!
- [Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice]
- Patrick Star: May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
- Squidward Tentacles: All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.
- Tough Fish: Hey, I was in front of you.
- Big Crab: No, you weren't.
- Tough Fish: You callin' me a liar?
- Big Crab: I ain't callin' ya for dinner!
- Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take 'em out of the...
- [gasps]
- Squidward Tentacles: Holy fish paste, what is that?
- [sees a disgusting pile of goop]
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: That's the appetizer.
- Squidward Tentacles: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet.
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
- Squilliam Fancyson: On your lunch break, eh Squidie?
- Squidward: Uhh... duh... I... um... hey, whatcha been up to?
- Squilliam Fancyson: Oh, just exceeding in everything *you* failed in.
- Squidward: You are no great gib, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone could be a bigshot in a hicktown like Bikini Bottom.
- Squilliam Fancyson: Oh, yeah? Well let's hear what you've accomplished since high school.
- Squidward: Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Just picture him in his underwear... Oh, no, he's hot!
- Squidward Tentacles: I thought you said you were the head chef of the S.S. Gourmet.
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the floors at the Gourmet. I was head chef of the S.S. Diarrhea.
- Dr. Fish: What happened?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I tripped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.
- Dr. Fish: Boo-boos, eh? I think you need that hospital over there.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Weenie Hut General?
- [Sandy and SpongeBob are doing karate at the beach]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: HI-YAH!... Sandy?
- Sandy Cheeks: Oh, I'm Sandy all right. I'm very Sandy. HI-YAH!
- [Comes up from under the sand and launches SpongeBob into the air]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [as he flies through the air] Oh, I get it. She's Sandy. That's her name, and she's also covered in, yes...
- Customer #1: Couldn't get in, eh? What you need is a tough hairdo. No one gets into the double-S without a tough hairdo.
- Customer #2: I have to disagree. I saw a guy go in, and he was bald.
- Customer #1: I saw that guy. He wasn't bald, he had a shaved head. Shaved. That's a hairdo. Hey, where'd he go?
- Robot: I believe he said something about going to the wig store.
- Customer #1: Ha ha! Check and mate.
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [sarcastically] Oh, boo hoo. Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin.
- [He mimes rubbing violin strings]
- Squidward Tentacles: This is serious!
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I know. This really is the world's smallest violin.
- [Close up on his claw to reveal a miniature violin]
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: See?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davy Jones! You're goin' down, Tubby!
- Patrick Star: Tubby?
- [Patrick's sadness is quickly replaced by fury and he snarls with rage]
- Patrick Star: Grr! Nobody calls me Tubby!
- [punches SpongeBob in the eye, leaving a black mark]
- Squidward Tentacles: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible.
- [Patrick appears with an army hat]
- Squidward Tentacles: Patrick, what are you doing here?
- Patrick Star: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!
- Squidward Tentacles: The Corps? What the... Pat, this isn't the... oh!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [after being knocked into a picnic] I may be down, but I'm not out!
- [finds out his bare feet are in potato salad]
- Salad Fish: [angrily] Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad.
- [SpongeBob leaps out]
- Salad Fish: Three days!