- Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could've given me! Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
- Squidward: [as Santa] I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob. *You* did.
- Squidward: He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old krabby patty, or his favorite underpants. Haha.
- [He opens the present]
- Squidward: Why, it looks like a clarinet.
- [He takes in the scent of the present]
- Squidward: It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it.
- [He finds a button that says "push"]
- Squidward: What's this?
- [He pushes the button and 3 wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down]
- Squidward: Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a...
- [a donkey appears on screen and makes braying noises]
- Squidward: Big jerk! What have I done to poor SpongeBob?
- Sandy Cheeks: Don't you know a Christmas tree when you see one?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Christmas who?
- Squidward: What do you want, can't you see that I'm busy?
- Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: Step outside, we've got something for you to see!
- Squidward: Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately
- Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants: Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree
- Patchy: [to Potty] You I'm ignoring
- [to the audience]
- Patchy: No it's time to open fan letters.
- Potty: Here you go.
- [refuses to give Patchy the letter and starts squawking]
- Patchy: Thank you Potty. Okay Potty thank you.
- [Potty still isn't giving the envelope]
- Patchy: Come on give it you bird brain.
- [frustrated]
- Patchy: Quiet Infernal Bird!
- [cuts the string holding Potty up]
- Potty: Wahhhh!
- [falls on the ground]
- Patchy: This letter comes to us from
- [the narrator interrupts talking over Patchy]
- Narrator: Name and address withheld.
- Patchy: [tears open the envelope and puts on his reading glasses] and he writes Dear SpongeBob I'm 10 years old and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours,
- [the signature is censored out]
- Narrator: Name and address withheld.
- Patchy: A very good question. But did you know that they didn't always celebrate Christmas.
- Potty: They didn't?
- Patchy: Oh sure my fine feathered little neck of pain.
- [yanks on the string very hard]
- Puppeteer: Woah!
- [falls from the ceiling and lands on the ground hard]
- Patchy: [putting an ornament on the tree] There was a time when nobody even heard of Christmas. Hey who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob's Very First Christmas?
- Potty: [in pain] Squawk.
- Patchy: Potty?
- [we see the bowl which had cookie dough in it is now empty]
- Patchy: You ate all me cookie dough!
- Potty: [Potty's body falls off] Squouch!
- Patchy: Oh well, on with the show.