Star Trek (TV Series)

Elaan of Troyius (1968)

William Shatner: Captain James Tiberius 'Jim' Kirk

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Quotes 

• Captain James T. Kirk : Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.

• Elaan : Captain, that ancient Earth custom called spanking. What is it?

  Captain James T. Kirk : It's, er. It's, er. We'll talk about it later.

• Elaan : You are warned, Captain, never to touch me again!

  Captain James T. Kirk : If I touch you again, Your Glory, it'll be to administer an ancient Earth custom called a spanking, a form of punishment administered to spoiled brats!

• Captain James T. Kirk : [after the ambassador's friendly overtures to Elaan have been rebuffed]  You're as bad as she is. It's not required that you like each other; just do your job.

  Ambassador Petri : The job - the job is impossible. We cannot make peace with people we detest.

  Captain James T. Kirk : Stop trying to kill each other, then worry about being friendly.

• Captain James T. Kirk : Your Glory doesn't seem to be responding to instruction.

  Elaan : I will never forgive the council for putting me through this torture! Were you responding to my demand for better quarters?

  Captain James T. Kirk : There are none better. I suggest you make do with these.

  Elaan : You SUGGEST?

  [She grabs a pillow angrily] 

  Captain James T. Kirk : There are no more available, but if that's the only way you can get gratification, I'll arrange to have the whole room filled from floor to ceiling with breakable objects.

  Elaan : I will not be humiliated!

  Captain James T. Kirk : Then act in a civilized fashion.

  Elaan : I did not give you permission to leave!

  Captain James T. Kirk : I didn't ask for any.

  Elaan : [screams while pounding a pillow in frustration]  OOOOOOH!

  [Kirk walks out] 

  Ambassador Petri : [in corridor]  Captain, I wish to contact my government. I cannot fulfill my mission. It would be an insult to our ruler to bring this incorrigible monster as a bride!

  Captain James T. Kirk : Ambassador! AMBASSADOR! This is supposed to be a peaceful mission.

  Ambassador Petri : There cannot be peace between us. We have deluded ourselves! Captain, when I am near them, I do not want peace; I want to KILL them!

• Guard #1 : No one may enter the Dohlman's presence.

  Captain James T. Kirk : Will you tell Her Glory that Captain Kirk requests the honor of a visit?

  Guard #1 : The Dohlman has promised that I will be whipped to death if I let Captain Kirk pass through that door.

• Captain James T. Kirk : The Federation High Commissioner will be attending the wedding.

  Dr. McCoy : Oh, the fat will be in the fire when he learns the bride just tried to murder the groom's ambassador.

• Elaan : You will return me to Elas immediately.

  Captain James T. Kirk : That's impossible.

  Elaan : Everything I order is possible.

• Captain James T. Kirk : Stop trying to kill each other! THEN worry about being friendly.

• Ambassador Petri : If I recover, it will be no thanks to you, Captain.

  Captain James T. Kirk : I said talk with her, not fight with her.

• Captain James T. Kirk : Well, we're still faced with the same problem.

  Elaan : Problem?

  Captain James T. Kirk : Yes, the problem of your indoctrination to Troyian customs and manners.

  Elaan : I have eliminated that problem.

  Captain James T. Kirk : You've eliminated the teacher; the problem still remains.

• Elaan : Remember me.

  Captain James T. Kirk : I have no choice.

  Elaan : [crying]  Nor have I. I have only responsibilities and... obligations.

• Elaan : [chuckles]  Tell me, what can you teach me?

  Captain James T. Kirk : Table manners, for one thing!

• Elaan : Captain, there is one thing you can teach me.

  Captain James T. Kirk : No, no, you were right the first time: there's nothing I can teach you; there's nothing you do not know.

  Elaan : I don't know how to make people like me.

• Elaan : You dare touch a member of the royal family?

  Captain James T. Kirk : Only in self-defence. Now, are you gonna behave or not?

• Mr. Spock : But why do the Klingons consider the possession of this system so vital?

  Captain James T. Kirk : Yes, a very good question, Mr. Spock.

  Mr. Spock : I have another question, Captain. Is not the bridge the wrong place for the Dohlman at a time like this?

• Captain James T. Kirk : Nobody's told you that you're an uncivilized savage, a vicious child in a woman's body, an arrogant monster!

  [Elaan slaps Kirk; he slaps her back] 

  Captain James T. Kirk : That's no way to treat someone who's telling you the truth.