- Earl Raymond Digs: You know what's worse than the goddam lawyers and the goddam judges? It's the fuckin' newspapers, man. They tried me in the press. They called me a sick, perverted sadist. That's just total bullshit. I didn't mutilate a single one of those girls until after they were already dead. 'Course, if they knew about the five I killed in Kansas, I'd still be on trial. God, aaaugh! Women! Aaaugh. You can't live with 'em, you can't fit more than one in a trunk at a time.
- Crypt Keeper: [while dressed as a motorcycle cop] Good evening, felons. Time to assume the position, if you know what I mean, and prepare for another assault and battery on your senses. Tonight's steamy saga is about a nice young man with a very bad attitude. In fact, it's positively criminal. I call this little game of chops and clobbers "Carrion Death."
- Crypt Keeper: Poor Diggs. Here today, leftovers tomorrow. Boy, talk about flipping someone the bird. Personally, I'm with the buzzards except I like my meat a little more well done. Cook 'em, Danno.