The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #1.2 (2005)

Chris Langham: Hugh Abbot

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : Ok, this is what we're doing: I'm putting about through a number of cronies that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks, he did it as a favor to Cliff.

  Oliver Reeder : Cliff being...

  Glenn Cullen : Cliff Lawton.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh's predesessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.

  Hugh Abbott : [surprised]  Are they now?

  Malcolm Tucker : Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, ok? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are the innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. I'm fixing you up with a "Me and My Media" piece with

  [points to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : your ex Angela Heaney. But, this is a perfect opportunity to show just how clued-up you are, actually! Hughey Abbot, the in-touch guy! You're on the ball! You know the price for a pint of milk! You love HBO imports, VH1, Pixar, you dig the Streets.

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're all great.

  Malcolm Tucker : You've got absolutely no fucking idea what I'm talking about, do you?

  Hugh Abbott : Yes, I do.

  Malcolm Tucker : Who's the only gay in the village?

  Hugh Abbott : Eddie Grundy. I dunno... No, he has children. Mind you, alot of them do these days! Ben at the Foreign Office...

  Malcolm Tucker : What's a chav?

  Hugh Abbott : Ch... erm...

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh, what is a chav?

  Oliver Reeder : Come on, you must know this!

  Glenn Cullen : Chav!

  Malcolm Tucker : Chav!

  Hugh Abbott : Just saying "chav" isn't really helpful!

  Malcolm Tucker : This is important stuff, Hugh! Right, we do a weekly digest for the Prime Minister, we boil down the week's television, cinema, music, so on.

  Oliver Reeder : The Zeitgeist tapes.

  Malcolm Tucker : Exactly, the Zeitgest tapes. EastEnders highlights, choice bits from all the reality shows, 10 seconds music videos, that kind of thing.

  Hugh Abbott : That's why the PM always looks so clued-up! I always thought he was jenuenly quite with it.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, he's as bad as you, he uses phrases like "with it" as well. Right, I'm gonna bike that over to Terri, watch it, ok? And listen, when you talk to Angela Heaney, remember to stick the boot into Hewitt. I'm putting it about that Cliff offered him two free weeks at his Toscan villa for that piece, ok?

  Hugh Abbott : Ten-four, daddy-o!

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey, hey, hey, this is serious! You've got 24 hours to sort out your policy on EastEnders, right? Or you're for the halal butchers!

  [Ollie does an imitation of the EastEnders opening music] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Even he knows.

• Hugh Abbott : So, how do we respond to this?

  Terri Coverley : Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes... tittytwat.

  Oliver Reeder : Is that honestly the best swearing you can come up with?

  Glenn Cullen : This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit at them, that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.

  Hugh Abbott : That's top swearing Glenn, well done.

• Malcolm Tucker : I'm connected, I'm plugged into the Matrix, I am The fucking Matrix

  Hugh Abbott : Huh? Sorry?

  Malcolm Tucker : Have you not watched that tape yet?

• Hugh Abbott : God that's why the PM always looks so clued up, I always thought he was genuinely quite with it

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, he's as bad as you, he uses phrases like "with it" as well

• Terri Coverley : [Talking about her role in the department in relation to policy]  It's not my role to have a preference - I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. But if you want me to sell oranges, then I'll go and tell people that the apples, the apples are shit Olly, they're shit - I'll say go on, check out our oranges.

  Hugh Abbott : Do you have a pref- which do you prefer, you know, apples or oranges?

  Terri Coverley : [Exasperated]  Apples!

  Hugh Abbott : Apples?

  Terri Coverley : Apples.

  Hugh Abbott : OK, thank you!

  Glenn Cullen : Hugh, if we are going to spend taxpayers money putting violent thugs into productions of the fucking Cherry Orchard then we're gonna get crucified, and rightly so!

  Hugh Abbott : Hang on a second - Terri, which was apples, was Olly apples or was Glenn apples?

  [Terri has left her desk] 

  Hugh Abbott : oh, she's gone.

• Malcolm Tucker : [shouting at Mary, the focus-group actress]  You just want to think about what is gonna happen tomorrow!

  Hugh Abbott : Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you.

  Mary : In a good way?

  Hugh Abbott : No, not in a good way!

  Malcolm Tucker : You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?

  Glenn Cullen : She's probably fucking in it!

  Malcolm Tucker : You know the bit when the guy opens the door and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flash bulbs going off? In four hours time that's gonna be you, they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches!

  Hugh Abbott : [trying to calm a disstressed Mary]  It's ok.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, no, it's not ok, it's not going to be ok, and I tell you why. Because you're fair game, so I hope your knickers are clean because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a by-line is gonna be questioning you! Because now it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they are gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out infront of them like a trollop in the stocks!

• Malcolm Tucker : Did you watch the zeitgeist tape?

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah, some of it, yeah

  Malcolm Tucker : So do yknow your Eastenders, then? Do you know your Little Mo from your Big Mo?

  Hugh Abbott : [badly imitating Eastenders theme tune]  BOM BOM Bab bum bum

  Malcolm Tucker : What?

  Hugh Abbott : I haven't watched it, no

• Malcolm Tucker : [night, everyone's in Tucker's office, except for Abbot, who's in the car on his way home]  I've never seen headlines like it!

  Oliver Reeder : In what way?

  Malcolm Tucker : It's all gone to shite!

  Glenn Cullen : Oh, the papers didn't like the policy?

  Malcolm Tucker : They hate it, they fucking loath it! Are you getting all this, Hugh?

  Hugh Abbott : [on the phone]  Yes, you're very clear.

  Terri Coverley : Do they all hate it? The Times?

  Malcolm Tucker : Especially The Times.

  Hugh Abbott : Wait a minute, the first edition hasn't even gone to bed yet, how do you know?

  Malcolm Tucker : Because I'm connected, I'm plugged into the Matrix. I AM the fucking Matrix.

  Hugh Abbott : Sorry?

  Malcolm Tucker : Have you not watched that tape yet?

  Hugh Abbott : I'm taking it home now, gonna watch it there. We just bought a new video player of the back of Alicia's obsession with Pingu.

  Malcolm Tucker : Ok, I want you all to pay attention - this Arts policy is dead. Ok? As of now. Get a press release out and bung it in the owen. Fuck off, the lot of you.

• Malcolm Tucker : Ok, this is what we're doing: I'm putting about through a number of cronies that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks, he did it as a favor to Cliff.

  Oliver Reeder : Cliff being...

  Glenn Cullen : Cliff Lawton.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh's predesessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.

  Hugh Abbott : Are they now?

  Malcolm Tucker : Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, ok? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.

• Malcolm Tucker : Ok, this is what we're doing: I'm putting about through a number of cronies that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks, he did it as a favor to Cliff.

  Oliver Reeder : Cliff being...

  Glenn Cullen : Cliff Lawton...

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh's predesessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.

  Hugh Abbott : Are they now?

  Malcolm Tucker : Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, ok? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.