Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• [the Police have Dave handcuffed] 

  Cop #2 : We found this guy outside hiding in a bush.

  Dave : Tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

  Christopher Titus : Dave!

  Dave : I mean, my secret stash of... Pot.

• [Titus has gotten Erin's brother Michael arrested after promising he wouldn't] 

  Christopher Titus : Michael would have robbed us eventually, had he thought of it.

• Michael : This will be my third strike.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : He will go to prison for the rest of his life!

  Christopher Titus : [impatiently]  Get to the bad part!

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : [installing a security pad]  When you screw up, you got to pay the price. But, not everybody who screws up gets caught. That's why I got this.

  [punches numbers to activate] 

  Christopher Titus : Ahah. state of the art.

  [punches numbers] 

  Christopher Titus : Dammit.

  [punches numbers] 

  Christopher Titus : Dammit.

  [elbows security pad until it explodes] 

  Christopher Titus : Oh, that's gonna cost me.

• Christopher Titus : We find this guy, we tie the top half of him to your car, bottom half to my car, we both hit the gas and make a wish.

  Tommy Shafter : It's always been a dream of mine just to tear a criminal in half...

  [he strains to tear a magazine in half; putting it down, he lets out his high-pitched war cry instead] 

• Christopher Titus : Erin's brother Michael is a born criminal. You know, John Locke wrote that every child is born innocent and pure; well, John Locke would have smothered baby Michael with a pillow.

• Christopher Titus : When a bad person does something to you, you gotta get payback. And if you can't, the one consolation is that karma will catch up to them and make 'em suffer.

  [whining] 

  Christopher Titus : Why does karma get all the fun? I mean, at least let me punch him in the throat a couple of times, and then karma can lead him down the path of truth while their esophagus reshapes itself.

• Christopher Titus : You never know how you're gonna pay the price or to who. It could be to the Yakuza.

  [not sure he pronounced it right] 

  Christopher Titus : Yakuza... the ya... the Japanese mafia. Or it could be to my fiancee. Yeah, it'll probably be to my fiancee.

  [scoffing] 

  Christopher Titus : The Japanese mafia. Pfft! What could they do?

  [a throwing star sticks into the wall next to him] 

  Christopher Titus : My fiancee threw that.

• Christopher Titus : What happened?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Well, we came home, it was dark, there was a guy inside, I chased him, I fell, Tommy screamed, he-he ran.. the guy ran out into the kitchen, Tommy screamed again.

  Tommy Shafter : A couple of high-pitched war cries.

  [demonstrating] 

  Christopher Titus : Okay, where is this guy, huh? Huh? I wanna see the guy that...

  [whimpering] 

  Christopher Titus : ...broke into our house and hurt you. I want him dead! I want his family dead!

  Tommy Shafter : Titus!

  Christopher Titus : Dead! I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna kill him dead!

• Christopher Titus : Are you okay?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Yeah, well, my leg is broken and I'm in tremendous, searing pain, but you wanna help? Get me booze!

  Christopher Titus : Hon... instead, why don't you use your mind to control the pain? Close your eyes and visualize. Just...

  [she grabs him by his shirt] 

  Christopher Titus : Hey! Uh, visualize gin and tonic or vodka cranberry?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Gin, vodka, or... hairspray! Just get it now!

• Christopher Titus : Tell you what, Michael. You admit you did it, and I won't send you to prison.

  Michael : I didn't do it!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Oh, Michael, just admit it. He won't tell. You'll go free. Problem solved.

  [chuckling] 

  Erin Fitzpatrick : I should have gone to law school.

  Michael : Look, I may be a criminal, but I'm not a liar.

  [Titus gives him a look] 

  Michael : Okay, I'm a liar. But not right now!

• Tommy Shafter : I am not letting you in until you calm down.

  Christopher Titus : [trying to be calm]  Okay, what happened?

  Tommy Shafter : [into the phone]  Hello, 911? There's been a robbery.

  Christopher Titus : 911?

  Tommy Shafter : Don't panic.

  Christopher Titus : [stammering]  Uh, d-d-d-d... Robbery? Where's Erin? What happened?

  Tommy Shafter : We need an ambulance. Her leg is broken.

  Christopher Titus : Ambulance?

  Tommy Shafter : Don't panic.

  Christopher Titus : D-d-d... Erin, what happened?

  Tommy Shafter : Don't panic. Erin panicked, and look what happened.

• Christopher Titus : Tommy?

  Tommy Shafter : Yeah.

  Christopher Titus : Hold his wrist like this. Now, that's eight pounds of pressure, right? At twelve pounds, his wrist will break.

  Tommy Shafter : Okay.

  Christopher Titus : Of course, at six pounds, he'll get loose and kill you.

  Michael : Yeah, you like holding hands with men, don't you?

  Tommy Shafter : [applying pressure to Michael's wrist]  Yeah!