- [seeing a man with a rifle at a gun store]
- Christopher Titus (age 5): I want a gun, Dad.
- Ken Titus: You don't need a gun, son. The men in our family have penises.
- Tommy Shafter: Titus, if I die, please get the porn from under my bed before my mom cleans out my room. And also, if you look at it, keep an open mind.
- [the Police have Dave handcuffed]
- Cop #2: We found this guy outside hiding in a bush.
- Dave: Tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
- Christopher Titus: Dave!
- Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... Pot.
- [Titus has gotten Erin's brother Michael arrested after promising he wouldn't]
- Christopher Titus: Michael would have robbed us eventually, had he thought of it.
- Michael: This will be my third strike.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: He will go to prison for the rest of his life!
- Christopher Titus: [impatiently] Get to the bad part!
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: [installing a security pad] When you screw up, you got to pay the price. But, not everybody who screws up gets caught. That's why I got this.
- [punches numbers to activate]
- Christopher Titus: Ahah. state of the art.
- [punches numbers]
- Christopher Titus: Dammit.
- [punches numbers]
- Christopher Titus: Dammit.
- [elbows security pad until it explodes]
- Christopher Titus: Oh, that's gonna cost me.
- Christopher Titus: We find this guy, we tie the top half of him to your car, bottom half to my car, we both hit the gas and make a wish.
- Tommy Shafter: It's always been a dream of mine just to tear a criminal in half...
- [he strains to tear a magazine in half; putting it down, he lets out his high-pitched war cry instead]
- Christopher Titus: Erin's brother Michael is a born criminal. You know, John Locke wrote that every child is born innocent and pure; well, John Locke would have smothered baby Michael with a pillow.
- Christopher Titus: When a bad person does something to you, you gotta get payback. And if you can't, the one consolation is that karma will catch up to them and make 'em suffer.
- [whining]
- Christopher Titus: Why does karma get all the fun? I mean, at least let me punch him in the throat a couple of times, and then karma can lead him down the path of truth while their esophagus reshapes itself.
- Christopher Titus: You never know how you're gonna pay the price or to who. It could be to the Yakuza.
- [not sure he pronounced it right]
- Christopher Titus: Yakuza... the ya... the Japanese mafia. Or it could be to my fiancee. Yeah, it'll probably be to my fiancee.
- [scoffing]
- Christopher Titus: The Japanese mafia. Pfft! What could they do?
- [a throwing star sticks into the wall next to him]
- Christopher Titus: My fiancee threw that.
- Christopher Titus: What happened?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Well, we came home, it was dark, there was a guy inside, I chased him, I fell, Tommy screamed, he-he ran.. the guy ran out into the kitchen, Tommy screamed again.
- Tommy Shafter: A couple of high-pitched war cries.
- [demonstrating]
- Christopher Titus: Okay, where is this guy, huh? Huh? I wanna see the guy that...
- [whimpering]
- Christopher Titus: ...broke into our house and hurt you. I want him dead! I want his family dead!
- Tommy Shafter: Titus!
- Christopher Titus: Dead! I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna kill him dead!
- Christopher Titus: Are you okay?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Yeah, well, my leg is broken and I'm in tremendous, searing pain, but you wanna help? Get me booze!
- Christopher Titus: Hon... instead, why don't you use your mind to control the pain? Close your eyes and visualize. Just...
- [she grabs him by his shirt]
- Christopher Titus: Hey! Uh, visualize gin and tonic or vodka cranberry?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Gin, vodka, or... hairspray! Just get it now!
- Christopher Titus: Tell you what, Michael. You admit you did it, and I won't send you to prison.
- Michael: I didn't do it!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Oh, Michael, just admit it. He won't tell. You'll go free. Problem solved.
- [chuckling]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: I should have gone to law school.
- Michael: Look, I may be a criminal, but I'm not a liar.
- [Titus gives him a look]
- Michael: Okay, I'm a liar. But not right now!
- Tommy Shafter: I am not letting you in until you calm down.
- Christopher Titus: [trying to be calm] Okay, what happened?
- Tommy Shafter: [into the phone] Hello, 911? There's been a robbery.
- Christopher Titus: 911?
- Tommy Shafter: Don't panic.
- Christopher Titus: [stammering] Uh, d-d-d-d... Robbery? Where's Erin? What happened?
- Tommy Shafter: We need an ambulance. Her leg is broken.
- Christopher Titus: Ambulance?
- Tommy Shafter: Don't panic.
- Christopher Titus: D-d-d... Erin, what happened?
- Tommy Shafter: Don't panic. Erin panicked, and look what happened.
- Christopher Titus: Tommy?
- Tommy Shafter: Yeah.
- Christopher Titus: Hold his wrist like this. Now, that's eight pounds of pressure, right? At twelve pounds, his wrist will break.
- Tommy Shafter: Okay.
- Christopher Titus: Of course, at six pounds, he'll get loose and kill you.
- Michael: Yeah, you like holding hands with men, don't you?
- Tommy Shafter: [applying pressure to Michael's wrist] Yeah!