The Twilight Zone (TV Series)

The Jeopardy Room (1964)

John van Dreelen: Commissar Vassiloff

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Vassiloff and Boris are in Kuchenko's room cleaning up evidence] 

  Boris - Vassiloff's Assistant : [holding up his gun]  Commissar? It would've been better, wouldn't it?

  Commissar Vassiloff : It's alright. I'll get him in the next city. Now that I know that he is a most resourceful adversary.

  [the phone rings, Boris unthinkingly picks it up] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : NO, BORIS!

  [an explosion triggered by the phone goes off, Vassiloff and Boris are killed. The screen cuts to Major Kuchenko on a phone booth at an airport] 

  Phone operator : I'm sorry, sir. The line seems to be disconnected. I'm unable to reach your party.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : It's alright, operator. I... I have reached them.

  [hangs up the phone as his flight to New York City is called for boarding] 

• Commissar Vassiloff : Major Kuchenko?

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : And you are?

  Commissar Vassiloff : A friend. May I come in?

  [Kuchenko opens the door further and Vassiloff walks in] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Thank you.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : You are the one who I spoke to on the telephone?

  Commissar Vassiloff : Mmm-hmm. We had a brief chat earlier. Well... well, it's quite a place you have here. Who occupied it before you? A rat?

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I had no luxury of choices.

  Commissar Vassiloff : No, indeed, you have not. In that respect, you are a very poor man, major. But then again, you have a bed, pictures on the wall, a carpet, such as it is. Well, quite an adequate accommodation.

  [looks at the windows] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Ah! And a most wonderful view of a brick building alongside. Well, Major, there are worse places to spend an evening in.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I know. I have been to many of them.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Indeed. Indeed, you have. Siberia is quite cold, isn't it? I've been told it has a most unfortunate climate.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : You have been told right! It is a freezing jungle!

  Commissar Vassiloff : A freezing jungle.

  [laughs] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Oh, that's marvelous. It's a lovely imagery. Siberia as a freezing jungle.

  [laughs] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : You make reference, of course, to the people.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I make reference to some people.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Oh. It must have been unpleasant for you. Sufficiently unpleasant to motivate you to renounce your native country, and to try to seek asylum elsewhere, which brings us up to date. You were a political prisoner. You escaped. You served a term of 12 years, and now you arrive here in a neutral country, and you are desperately trying to get an aircraft to take you out of here to a western nation. But, uh... You feel you are under surveillance?

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I know I am under surveillance.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Well, do you know by whom?

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : Very well.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Well, tell me. Who are they?

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : Look in the mirror, Commissar.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Discerning, Major. You remember faces.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I remember pain.

  [Vassiloff lights a cigarette] 

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I remember some interrogations that went on for many months! I remember one particular man who smoked a long cigarette in a holder, stood in a corner, nodding and smiling while I went from agony to agony!

  Commissar Vassiloff : So, Major, may we dispense with the amenities, the masquerades, the little give and take between two strangers feeling each other out?

  [slams his hand against the dresser and sighs] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Now we get right to the point. Did you honestly think we would permit you to book passage on an aircraft out of here? Impossible. As a former member of the military, even as far back as 12 years ago, you possess information that we would find embarrassing to have released elsewhere. So, it's not really to our advantage that you leave here. Of course, it would be simpler and more convenient to accompany me back to our embassy.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I am sick. Tired and torn, Commissar, but I am not insane. I would sooner cut my wrists over a sink and bleed to death!

  Commissar Vassiloff : No, Major. I'm afraid we are of two minds about that kind of death.

  [stands up from his seat holding out a liquor bottle. Kuchenko stands up from sitting on the bed, aiming his gun at Vassiloff] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Gently, gently, Major. Here. I bought some amontillado. Quite rare and pleasing to the palate.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I'm afraid I will have to repeat what I said before, Commissar. I am not insane! I'm quite aware of what will happen to me if I... if I were to drink any of that.

  Commissar Vassiloff : With your indulgence, Major, if you assume this contains cyanide, or some other poison, you're quite wrong. You see, I don't share your death wish. I'm quite a healthy man with excellent expectations as to my longevity. No, no, no, no, no. I was only proposing a social drink between the two of us. I will drink first.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : Such a ritual. Such a tribal rite. Commissar, you only have one purpose with me. Why don't you try to get it over with? If you want to disarm me to get rid of this, it will take more than a social wine.

  [cork pops] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Yes, indeed. As to my business with you, we both know what that is. I am to see to it that you're dead by tomorrow morning. And you shall be, Major. With a certain degree of immodesty, I can tell you I have killed 800 times you. But I've done it with subtlety, with interest, with ingenuity. I am the last of the imaginative executioners.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : And how do you intend to kill me?

  Commissar Vassiloff : Let me tell you what, Major. Let's have a drink of wine first, and then I'll tell you.

  [drinks from the wine bottle] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Ah, excellent. Flavor, bouquet, just the proper amount of dryness. It's really a most exceptional wine.

  [hand Kuchenko the wine] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : Join me, Major.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : Very well, Commissar. I will have a drink of wine and then I may kill you.

  Commissar Vassiloff : Yes, you may very well try.

  [Kuchenko drinks from the wine bottle] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : [laughs]  And now let me tell you something about us. Let me explain the difference between you and me. You are a malcontent, Major. You can never accept that which is ordained. I, on the other hand, adapt to my situations. I don't have a very large salary, and my job, at least the way it's laid out, is a rather a dull one. Finding traitors and defectors and doing away with them. And in your case...

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : In my case?

  [chuckles] 

  Commissar Vassiloff : In your case, I chose to prolong it, and in the process of this prolongation, I have come up with... with something that I think is a most bizarre and novel method of execution. One designed to challenge your talents, for we are both worthy adversaries. You and me.

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : I feel very weak.

  [collapses to the floor as Vassiloff laughs malevolently] 

  Major Ivan Kuchenko : You... you monster! You drugged me!

• Commissar Vassiloff : [prerecorded message]  Greetings, Major Kuchenko. First of all, to clear up one point, I must be evident to you. I've been imbibing this particular drug for many years and have reached a point where I can drink it by the gallon and be quite unaffected. As you've probably perceived, I'm rather a gamesman when it comes to killing. I have my own rules and ethics that apply. And, Major Kuchenko... and listen to the following quite carefully. This is the game, and these are the rules: you have been asleep for roughly three hours. During that time, I have placed a booby trap in this room. It is not visible, but it attached to a very common object. If you trigger this object, you will immediately be blown up. Now, the following proposition: if during the next three hours you are able to find this booby trap and cut the wire, you'll be permitted to leave the room alive. This is a guarantee. But the following conditions are of essence, Major. You must actively search for this booby trap and you must find it and render it unusable. Attempt to turn out the lights, and you will be shot at once. The moment you stop and active search, you will be shot. Or, if you are unable to find the trap at the end of three hours or attempt to leave the room during that time, I'm afraid the same conditions apply. You will receive a bullet in the head. So, there you have it, Major. As a fellow expert in the art of booby traps, I think you will admit, Major, that this situation has its own special imaginative... quality.

  [laughs sadistically and manically] 

• Boris - Vassiloff's Assistant : What, are we not going to kill him?

  Commissar Vassiloff : The impatience of the bourgeois. They do not sip wine. They gulp it down like a soft drink. They do not caress women. They devour them. They do not sniff at the essence of a rare perfume. No, they try to jam it into their nostrils. Boris, the gentleman will die. Indeed, he will. But I want him to die with finesse, with subtlety and a degree of thought. That is a good death.

  Boris - Vassiloff's Assistant : I did not know there was a good death and a bad death.