Elisabeth Harnois: Patty McGurk

Quotes 

• Mr. Dunn : [to the blonde student in the short dress]  Oh, Patty, I suggest you start paying attention in my class. Your paper was not up to Priddy High standards.

  [she pays no heed, goes her way] 

  Mr. Dunn : Oh, and your dress is too short.

  [he walks on] 

  Mr. Dunn : Ah, Tiffany, my favorite student.

  Tiffany Malloy : [equally short dress, smiling proudly]  Thank you.

  Mr. Dunn : No, thank you. Your paper was A+ as usual. And that dress looks very beautiful on you.

  [obviously smitten] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [breathy voice]  Thank you, Mr. Dunn.

  Mr. Dunn : Eugene.

  [he goes off] 

  Patty McGurk : [coming up to Tiffany]  Hi, Miss Perfect.

  Tiffany Malloy : [preening, giggling]  I'm not perfect, but... Thank you.

  Patty McGurk : That wasn't a compliment. I was being sarcastic.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh? I was being falsely humble, so we're even.

  [laughs] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm witty too.

  [laughs] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Why can't we get along? I'm an A student, the teachers are just crazy about me, I'm pretty, I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm humble, I mean, if I weren't me, I'd wanna be my best friend so that I could be around me as much as possible.

  [Barry kisses her hand, and Amber holds the other one obsequiously] 

  Patty McGurk : [disdainful]  Do you know what I hate about you the most?

  Tiffany Malloy : No.

  Patty McGurk : Well, think.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, I think I know, but it wouldn't really be nice to say.

  Patty McGurk : Go ahead.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, okay. I think it's probably because I'm smart and wonderful and have unlimited potential, whereas the best you can hope for is becoming a waitress at Denny's.

  Patty McGurk : Gee, before it was just a blind, irrational hatred. Probably would have blown away by the end of the day. Now, I hate you forever.

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh. Good thing I held back.

  Patty McGurk : [walks off]  You'd better watch your back, Malloy.

  [bumps aggressively against her, then brushes contemptuously past Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : [thrilled]  Hah. Most I got in three years of high school.

  [rushes hopelessly after her] 

• Tiffany Malloy : [just been convinced by Ryan to stand up against bullies]  You're right. I'm going to stand up for perfect people everywhere.

  Patty McGurk : [derisive tone, from across cafeteria]  Oh, look! The Barbie doll stands up! Guess she wants to tease the boys some more!

  Tiffany Malloy : You're right! You're right, I will tease them.

  [Yells out:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Patty's late this month!

  [all the boys run off] 

  Tiffany Malloy : You're right, big brother, I do feel good.

  [but behind her, blond tornado Patty comes looming up] 

  Patty McGurk : [snarling]  Three o'clock in the quad. I'm gonna hurt you.

  Tiffany Malloy : [whining]  Today?

  Patty McGurk : Yes, today!

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, wait!

  [grabs her day planner] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, I can't today, nail appointment. I'd cancel anything else. My nails define the very essence that is me.

  Patty McGurk : [recognizes herself in that, laughs]  Say no more!

  [grabs her day planner too] 

  Patty McGurk : Let's see... No, Tuesday I have a bikini wax. How about Wednesday?

  Tiffany Malloy : Big sale at the mall.

  Barry : Oooh!

  [makes note of that in his day planner, with Amber observing keenly] 

  Patty McGurk : Thursday?

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh-uh.

  [names another appointment] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, I'll make some calls, but I just don't think I can possibly get beaten up this week.

  Patty McGurk : [looking over]  Oh, I see an opening. Friday at three o'clock. Meet me in the quad. When I'm done with you, you'll look like you're pleather!

• Patty McGurk : [lazing on sun loungers on Hawaiian beach with her new friend]  It's better than fighting.

  Tiffany Malloy : Yes, well, I always say, the best way to solve a problem is by talking things through. And, of course, stealing your parents' plain ticket to Hawaii.

  Patty McGurk : You think we could get something to drink? I mean, we're under-age.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, definitely. I had the most incredible stroke of luck. An old friend of my Mom's works here.

  [calls:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, Suzanne!

  [decrepit old blonde waitress with an eye patch comes shuffling over]