Kevin Connolly: Ryan Malloy

Quotes 

• Tiffany Malloy : [opening lines]  Is my hair beginning to droop because I am beat? School is hell, we work like slaves, hour after hour after hour, then lunch, then another hour, is this Russia? Is this... Kathy Lee Gifford High?

  Amber Moss : I know how you feel. And it's only Tuesday on a week with no Presidential holidays.

  Barry : And we only get five weeks of vacation at Christmas. I feel like I'm in chains, but not in a good way.

  Tiffany Malloy : Thank God study hall's over, and it's time for lunch.

  [spots rival Sable] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, look, it's Miss Free Feels on Heels.

  [Sable glares at her, tossing her hair, ignoring her] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I hate that girl. Don't even speak to her.

  [fake:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hello Sable!

  Sable O'Brien : Oh, it's Tiffany.

  [to boyfriend] 

  Sable O'Brien : See you later, okay?

  Ryan Malloy : [running up eagerly]  Sable! My sweet! My little apple-cheeks! Listen, if you keep running away from me, no-one is going to know we are boyfriend and girlfriend.

  Sable O'Brien : Shhh. It's a secret.

  Ryan Malloy : Oh. That's what makes it so dirty, huh?

  Sable O'Brien : Exactly. Now go sit over there, okay?

  [much-deluded Ryan scurries over to his usual place] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Ew, Ryan, what are you doing with that girl?

  Ryan Malloy : You mean when were together or when I'm alone?

  [Sable comes over] 

  Ryan Malloy : Shh. She speaks!

  Sable O'Brien : [to Tiffany]  Excuse me, but your hair's beginning to droop. What's wrong?

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, it's just that all of us kids have been working so hard, I feel we could use a Ditch Day, you know, a day at the beach.

  [Barry and Amber agrees] 

  Tiffany Malloy : But as leader of the school it would be irresponsible for me to encourage these young minds to miss a day of study. If I do that, they might not get to be the janitors and fry cooks of tomorrow.

  [dejected:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : The crown weighs heavy on this droopy hair.

• Sable O'Brien : [slyly, with hidden agenda]  You're a great leader. That's why no-one would listen to anyone but you. Hey, everybody! I think we've all been working too hard! I say tomorrow is a Ditch Day! Let's go to the beach!

  rest of the class : [cheering in unison]  Yay, Sable!

  Amber Moss : Oh, Tiffany, let's do it! Let's be bad!

  Tiffany Malloy : Not me. I've had perfect attendance my whole life. I like the little zero next to "days missed" on my report card. I mean, even when I had smallpox, I came to school. Yes, I did cause a teensy weensy little epidemic, but

  [shrugs happily] 

  Tiffany Malloy : thanks to me, we have the smallest graduation class in the proud history of our school. So, as the leader, I say we stay in school.

  Ryan Malloy : [rising, whispering intently]  We wanna go to the beach.

  [nodding sagely] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I still have a swatch of my smallpox blanket, Ryan. How would you like to find it on your pillow?

  Ryan Malloy : I'll pit my pillow against any disease you could throw at it. I've been drooling on it since I was a baby. Mom even tried to set it on fire once. It wouldn't burn.

  [grinning proudly] 

  Ryan Malloy : It just... glowed mockingly. Smallpox? Gah!

  Tiffany Malloy : Listen, I'm the leader, and I'll say what we do!

  [entire class shows rebellion] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh-oh, I feel my popularity slipping away. As a great leader, the most important lesson I have learned, is that I must stay on the side of the majority. So I say we go to the beach!

  [class whoops with joy] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Whew!

  [relieved, as crisis averted] 

• Ryan Malloy : [arriving]  Let the games begin! We're from the Valley!

  [everybody else on the beach scampers away, the girls screaming] 

• Tiffany Malloy : [spots beach hunk]  Oh! Would you look at him? He's the ginchiest. A surf god. He looks like a beer commercial for girls. If girls ever bought beer, instead of just having it poured down their throats by guys

  [with irony:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : who wanna give them a back rub.

  [hands mimicking back rub] 

  Ryan Malloy : What's the big noise? He's just a wet guy with long hair. I mean, I've seen better hair on the mashed potatoes in school.

  Tiffany Malloy : I just know he's gonna come talk to me.

  Sable O'Brien : [intercepting, with surfer-speak]  I saw you dogging that crazy lumber. You must be stoked that it is such a hooting day. So, were the sets, like, really glassy when you jazz them?

  Moondoggie : [densely]  Ya.

  Tiffany Malloy : [sensing competition]  Uh-oh.

  Sable O'Brien : I'd wig if you showed me to shoot a wicked curl.

  Moondoggie : [laughs dumbly, he doesn't understand this hot chick]  Uh, yeah!

  Amber Moss : Look! Sable caught a surfer! She's the coolest girl in school!

  [Barry's jaw drops] 

  Amber Moss : Let's be seen with her!

  [they run after] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [to Ryan, lying passed out]  Oh God, I've just lost a boy, and all of my adoring friends. But I'll get 'em back. I'll get it all back.

  Amber Moss : [returning]  Tiffany, I have to ask you a question.

  Tiffany Malloy : [smiles, it's happening already!]  My pleasure.

  Amber Moss : What do you think Sable would want for her birthday?

  Tiffany Malloy : [looks dejected]  Everything I have.

  [slumps] 

• Tiffany Malloy : I can't believe that stupid Sable stole my surfer. I've never been passed up before, it feels awful. I feel so down.

  Ryan Malloy : Go for a swim. It made me feel great.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, I've got to get Moondoggie. He is the perfect man, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man. I'll just have to cut his hair, get him a nine-to-five job, a Brooks Brothers wardrobe, and of course make him give up this whole stupid surfing thing.

  [ecstatic groan] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh God, we'll be so happy.

  Ryan Malloy : [as Moondoggie passionately hugs and kisses Sable]  Well, look at that jerk with his tongue rammed down my gitlfriend's throat. Guess he doesn't know about our secret love affair. Look at him, he's got his hands all over her.

  [cups hands, cries out:] 

  Ryan Malloy : Sucker!

  [they continue, paying no heed] 

  Ryan Malloy : Boy, she'll go pretty far to keep a secret, huh?

  Tiffany Malloy : My God, you're just too stupid to know how unhappy you should be.

  Ryan Malloy : [nods]  Yeah. God gave me that.

• Moondoggie : You won the surf contest, and my heart.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh thanks. Now go stand over there with my other trophies.

  Ryan Malloy : See, Tiff? You're the most popular girl in school again.

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm popular again because I won some cheesy surf contest and I got a recording contract from a record producer that charges five hundred bucks.

  Amber Moss : Oh, they do that. It cost me a thousand dollars to make that naked video.