Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Tiffany Malloy : Daddy! Daddy, you are gonna be so proud of me.

  Jack Malloy : Oh, I'm always proud of you, sweetheart. It's your brothers that disturb me.

  [looks over at Ryan playing with the dog on the couch] 

• Tiffany Malloy : Remember when I was a little girl and you got turned down for that loan?

  Jack Malloy : Remember it? You mean the time I went for that bank loan so that I could invest in that little company called, oh, what was it? Something like... Oh, yeah, Microsoft. Yeah, for two thousand dollars, I would have owned twenty-five percent of the company. Yeah, I remember that now.

  Ryan Malloy : Dad, you're such a big loser, you probably would have brought the whole company down.

  Jack Malloy : For your information, I wasn't a loser *till then.* By now, we'd be so rich I'd get *you* into Harvard.

  Ryan Malloy : Well, that's rich, Dad, 'cause I'm dumber than a Kennedy!

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, today that same banker asked me to be their spokesperson, but because of the way they treated you, I'm gonna turn 'em down. Aren't you proud?

  Jack Malloy : [chuckles]  Yeah! Was it Gutman?

  Tiffany Malloy : [voice low]  It was Gutman.

  Jack Malloy : [laughs happily]  I can finally cross one name off my list of people I'm gonna get before I die.

  [has book handy] 

  Jack Malloy : Now, here we go. G, G... Here it is. John Goodman, Jenny Garafalo, Bee Gees... Here, J. Casper Gutman!

  [thumps book victoriously] 

• Mr. Floppy : [going through his list]  Grover. I *hate* that guy!

  Jack Malloy : Uh, why is he in there again, Floppy?

  Mr. Floppy : He gave me the high head, Jack. We were in acting class together. I helped him with his stutter. You should have heard him rehearse for his big audition. "This program brought to you by the letter B-B-B-B...!" I put his finger in an electric socket, cured his stutter, turned him blue, and made his career! Then I ran into him at the Viper Room. Pamela Anderson drinking in his lies like cheap liquor. And he don't know me! He gives me the high head.

  Jack Malloy : [chuckles]  What did you do?

  Mr. Floppy : I gave him a b-b-b-b-beating! Then I groped Pamela, and stole Grover's change off the bar. I don't know what I liked better: the fightin', the romance, or the thirty-five cents!

  Jack Malloy : Yo, Floppy, I say you've had one hell of a life! But I know just how you feel, 'cause I got Gutman!

  Mr. Floppy : You didn't get Gutman. Your daughter turned down some money from him. So what? Here's the way to get Gutman: Go down there and ask for another loan. They can't turn you down, 'cause Tiffany is their spokesperson. You think Paul Reiser's father pays for their long-distance calls?

  [mumbles:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Like his family would ever call him. Boy, I'd like to kick Paul Reiser right in the head!

  Jack Malloy : Floppy, that's a very good idea you have. I could just go down there and get some kind of a business loan. The only thing is, we'll have to come up with an idea for a business.

  Mr. Floppy : Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm getting an inspiration! America's obsessed with pets. Now what's the biggest problem with pets?

  Jack Malloy : Finding a cat that looks exactly like the cat you just ran over before the kids get home from school?

  Mr. Floppy : No, over-population! And the answer: *Condoms* for pets!

  Jack Malloy : Mm. But how would they put them on?

  Mr. Floppy : That's the girl's job.

• Jack Malloy : I've been thinking, and, you know, I don't think it's fair that... just because of my past you should lose the opportunity of becoming a highly-paid TV shill.

  Tiffany Malloy : I know, Daddy, I just feel like I'd be selling out.

  Jack Malloy : Nobody's exactly selling out anymore, honey. I mean, some of our finest mediocre washed-up stars are doing commercials. Cybill Shepherd, Aerosmith, why, even social satirist and former angry man Dennis Miller is nothing but a trained parrot for corporate America.

  Tiffany Malloy : You know what? I'm gonna call him right now.

  Jack Malloy : Good.

• Ryan Malloy : [re the old dog]  He's like you, Dad, he likes some beer with his moldy cold cuts.

  Jack Malloy : [instantly up in arms]  He's drinking my beer?

  Ryan Malloy : Dad, he's a star. They drink.

  Jack Malloy : They also provide their friends with hoovers and premiere tickets, and I see no evidence of that! Now look, son, that dog is no star, and he's not Toby the Wonder Dog, and he's not staying here! Ross, for this one little moment I love you more than the dog, so, enjoy it, son!

  [Ross growls victoriously at the dog] 

  Jack Malloy : Ryan, I want you to find that drunken flea-motel a home.

  Ryan Malloy : Dad...! A-woo! Come on, Dad!

  [Tiffany enters, about to say something] 

  Jack Malloy : Hush! She speaks!

  Ryan Malloy : You know what, Dad? I'm starting to think you love *her* more than you love me!