- Arthur Carlson: Morning, Bailey.
- Bailey Quarters: Mr. Carlson, *Herb* is crazy.
- Arthur Carlson: Yes. Go on.
- Herb Tarlek: [as Bailey tries explaining] No, wait! Wait a minute! Hold on! Now, no offense, Bailey, but part of your job around here is writing commercials, but you don't do a very good job.
- Bailey Quarters: [folding arms, impatiently] How so?
- Herb Tarlek: All righty. Don't get upset. I know you're a... journalism school graduate, but you don't know how to put the bite in the old sales message.
- Bailey Quarters: [impatiently] For example?
- Herb Tarlek: [sneering] For example, this copy from the North Mall Pet Village. Get a load of this, Big Guy. "Wouldn't you like to come home to a cuddly warm little companion like a cocker spaniel?"
- Arthur Carlson: [grinning warmly] What's wrong with that? I like it.
- Herb Tarlek: Big Guy, they're selling dogs left and right down there. What we gotta do, is move the merchandise that's piling up in the back.
- Arthur Carlson: I see.
- Bailey Quarters: For example, Herb?
- Herb Tarlek: For example, Bailey, this is the way you write one of these things. "*Big* *Snake* *Sale*. Ssssave, ssssave, ssssave. Pick and choosssse, mix and match, everything'ssss marked down. These marvelous petssss are quiet, are fine. Rid your home of pesky rodentssss and unwanted baby chickssss. Sssstartle your friendssss today."
- Bailey Quarters: [giggling nervously on occasion while she speaks] Um... I... I... I just wanted to say, um, thanks, Johnny. When I, ah, first came to WKRP, I... I... uh, I didn't know a thing about a radio station, and I... I guess I was just a... a little shy back then. But you took the time to show me the ropes, and... and you gave me the kind of confidence I needed. You're a real friend, Johnny, and I wish you wouldn't go. When I think of WKRP, I, uh, well, I always think of you. I guess I always will.
- Venus Flytrap: Well, uh, we've been kind of saving the best till now, Johnny. Here's the one person no man in his right mind could say goodbye to. Jennifer Marlowe.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [taking off her wrap, displaying her slinky dress showing off her curvaceous figure to thunderous applause] In many ways, I think I'm going to miss Johnny more than anyone else in this room. You see, I too... I too have, oh, I guess what you might call my own private... romantic fantasies.
- [Herb slaps his hand over his eyes]
- Jennifer Marlowe: This really isn't the time or the place to talk about it, out here in front of all these people, but let me say this... I'm really going to miss you, Johnny.
- [Johnny gapes and stares uncontrollably at Jennifer as she sits down in great satisfaction in the effect she's had on everyone, especially Johnny]
- Venus Flytrap: Do you dudes know about Johnny?
- Arthur Carlson: Yeah, we were just having a dudes' conference over that very subject.
- Andy Travis: [Andy is trying to tell Mr. Carlson about Johnny's job offer at an LA radio station] Mr. Carlson, we have got *big* trouble.
- Arthur Carlson: Uh oh, Mother's on her way. Oh, here's what we're going to do. I spew out all knowledge, you do most of the talking...
- Andy Travis: It is not Mama. It is *worse* than Mama.
- Arthur Carlson: Worse? What could be worse than Mama?
- Arthur Carlson: [in a drunken stupor] There I was, you, see, at Guadalcanal... or maybe it was Mindanao. I don't know, but the Japanese were all over the place.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Were you on vacation?
- Lucille Tarlek: [pointing at a dish on the table in continuing to eat and talk almost exclusively about food] Oh, is that a real butter patty there?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [handing her the dish] I don't know. Why don't you eat one.
- Lucille Tarlek: [excitedly as she forks one of the patties intending to eat it] Oh!