Welcome Back, Kotter (TV Series)

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1976)

Gabe Kaplan: Gabe Kotter

Quotes 

• Juan Epstein : Mr. Kotter, I got a note excusing my absenteeism.

  Gabe Kotter : [Unfolds note, begins reading]  "Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse Juan's abs - " Aren't you gonna read along?

  [Epstein shakes head no] 

  Gabe Kotter : "Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with the stomach flu. Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein." Fine. That's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate.

  Juan Epstein : I know. That's the problem. It's the first legitimate excuse I've turned in in 11 years. Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School, a legit excuse. What's the world comin' to?

• Gabe Kotter : [after Julie angrily hangs up the telephone]  What's the matter, Julie? Who was that?

  Julie Kotter : It was a crank call. I don'y know why kids have to make crank calls. Did you ever do that?

  Gabe Kotter : [Smiling mischievously]  Just once. I was about 11. We called up a butcher. We'd say, "Hello, is this the butcher?" He said, "Yes, it is." We said, "Do you have pig's feet?" He said, "I certainly do." I said, "Where do you buy your shoes?"

• Mr. Michael Woodman : This flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter. You remember what General Patton used to say?

  Gabe Kotter : Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."