- [Authors - A Day in the Life of a Nursery School]
- Jim Sweeney: [as Lewis Carroll] Alice was feeling very flustered. The 5 year olds had just set fire to her feet. It was a perfectly normal Friday but she felt somehow a little stoned. "Don't bogart that joint, bitch" said the caterpillar in the corner. "Pass the duchy on the left hand side".
- [Buzzer]
- Steve Steen: [as Jackie Collins] The caterpillar was called Blanche Du Celery, and she moved into the sunlight, arching her back and moaning slightly, her proud breasts standing out like pink...
- [Buzzer]
- Tony Slattery: [as the disembodied head from The Sun TV commercials] And you can see them on page 3. There's always more nude caterpillars in the Sun.
- [Buzzer]
- Mike McShane: [as Dr. Seuss] Alice said, beyond belief, "I will not smoke that massive spleef. / That massive spleef is so huge, I feel like riding in your louge". / And the caterpillar then, he got in and said "My name is Ben. / Get in my louge and I will fly, we'll fly and then we'll say goodbye".
- [Buzzer]
- Jim Sweeney: Alice suddenly had a screaming attack of the munchies, and the 5 year olds had taken away all her chocolate.
- [Buzzer]
- Steve Steen: And then two Dutch lorry drivers came in. One was called Truck Van Rental, the other was called Hertz Van Hire.
- [Buzzer]
- Tony Slattery: They stood there playing the Alice Bingo Game, which...
- [Buzzer]
- Mike McShane: "If the game is done, I'd like to leave, my children have left before me I believe," / The caterpillar said "You cannot go, we have to go to the planet Schmo". / So, Schmo they went, and Schmo they did, and they found themselves a little kid, / who was part of a group but he was crying, and on his butt were two eggs frying.
- Clive Anderson: [scenes from a hat] Olympic sports we'd like to see...
- Tony Slattery: And now the-
- [Steve Steen starts humping him]
- Tony Slattery: Oh, God!
- Mike McShane: It's a Humping free style tournament!
- Clive Anderson: I think Humping the Tony is in it already...
- Mike McShane: You ought to see the synchronized humping the Tony!