- Natalie Hollingsworth: When we're dealing with the media, we have to be very, very careful. You see, Washington is the only town in America where the appearance of something is much more important than the reality. For instance, if you go into a public restroom and you come out too soon, you didn't wash your hands. If you stay in too long, you've molested someone. If you stay in there just the right amount of time, you're slick!
- Natalie Hollingsworth: There is no such thing as a little mistake in Washington. Even a tiny little thing can be made into a great big thing. I mean, it doesn't matter that George Bush was never mystified by a supermarket scanner or that Bill Clinton's haircut never held up any airplanes. All that matters is that it's repeated over and over again until it becomes fact and/or it sells enough newspapers and the retractions are printed on page 78. You tell her, Emerson, you're a reporter.
- Sissy Emerson: It's true, look at what they did to poor old Betty Ford. For 40 years they told the world that she was a cold, brittle, humorless woman, and then on the day they buried her, they stood atop her grave and said, "Oh by the way, she was really very warm and funny."
- Natalie Hollingsworth: That was Pat Nixon.
- Sissy Emerson: Oh, what's the difference?
- Natalie Hollingsworth: The difference is Pat Nixon is the one who died and Betty Ford is the one who has the clinic where you're going.
- Jennifer Malone: Listen to this.
- [Malone reads a passage from the newspaper to Suzanne Sugarbaker and her colleagues]
- Jennifer Malone: "Considering the flamboyant, zaftig Miss Sugarbaker's ample cleavage and her breathless assurances that she is, quote, 'too rich to steal,' it was difficult to tell if she was playing Miss Kitty or Miss Ellie from The Beverly Hillbillies."
- Sissy Emerson: You know, basically there are four things they really hate in this town. The newly rich, happy people, movie stars and hicks. You never had a chance.
- [Natty walks in and finds Malone dusting]
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Excuse me, is this Suzanne Sugarbaker's office?
- Jennifer Malone: Why yes, it is. However, I don't really work here. I'm just waiting to apply for a job. There wasn't anyone around and the place needed dusting. Luckily I carry a can of lemon Pledge in my purse for just these kinds of emergencies!
- Jennifer Malone: Jerry and I were high school sweethearts. We've never been with anyone else, we've never even dated anyone else, so I guess he's going through this kind of midlife crisis thing and it's completely thrown our two boys who yesterday were suspended from junior high for wearing the devil's insignia on their clothes! And I'm the one who sewed it on for them! I didn't know what it was! I didn't even know the devil had an insignia!
- Sissy Emerson: Men are so stupid.
- [Malone stares at her]
- Sissy Emerson: Something wrong?
- Jennifer Malone: No, I was just waiting for you to finish the sentence.
- Sissy Emerson: No, I find that makes a very nice icebreaker just as it is. Of course, if you'd like me to elaborate, I could talk about the pantyhose I'm wearing which were purchased by my ex-boyfriend who never really did catch on that those charts aren't accurate. So now I'm walking around with a crotch at knee-level, looking like a penguin trying to catch an elevator.
- Sissy Emerson: What time is this Sugarbaker person getting here, anyway?
- Jennifer Malone: Well I'm sure any minute now, she must be running late.
- Sissy Emerson: Oh, of course she's running late, everybody says she's stupid. Or she's a lesbian. I forget which, she's either stupid or she's a lesbian... or she killed a man. No, you know, maybe that was somebody else. You know how it is, so many rumors.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Yes, and so little time to check them all out.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: And by the way, Miss Sugarbaker, I just want you to know we were all absolutely devastated over your husband's untimely death.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was, he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.
- Sissy Emerson: I'm Sissy Emerson, and I'm applying for the job of press secretary. Or lint-picker or dog-walker, whatever you have open. I'm not proud, obviously, or I wouldn't be here!
- Jennifer Malone: You know Miss Sugarbaker?
- Natalie Hollingsworth: No, I knew her husband. When I found out the old man died and that his big ol' dumb beauty queen wife was coming to fill his seat, I said, "Natalie, why wait until the body is cold? This is Washington and nobody else is going to. Get yourself over there and fill that vacuum; seize this chance to mold somebody in your own image, put America right again and kick a little butt!"
- Jennifer Malone: I'm applying for receptionist. I've never had a job interview before. I've never even had a job before - well, I worked at home. My husband's an assistant football coach for The Washington Redskins. Well, he was 'til about three months ago...
- [She lets out an enormous sob]
- Jennifer Malone: ...then he ran off with an interpretive halftime dancer! I'm sorry, I know it's ridiculous of me to be telling this to a total stranger but I'm too humiliated to tell it to anybody I know!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Oh by the way, I had to let the air out of somebody's tire, he was parking in Ray's old spot. Now, it was a blue Chevrolet with a little handicapped sticker in the back. If anyone calls about it, you tell them not to park there again, that's our spot.
- Jennifer Malone: You let the air out of a handicapped person's tire?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Yes, I did. You know, they have thier own parking spaces now, so they certainly don't have any business pulling into dead people's spots!
- Jennifer Malone: Somebody from the White House called and said the President wants you to go jogging with him.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I can't go, I don't jog.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Why not?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Because I'm very voluptuous! I mean, there's enough stuff going on just when I walk. If I JOG, I might take out a couple of Secret Service agents!
- Natalie Hollingsworth: If you go on Crossfire and they're gonna start asking you those questions like, oh - do you pay social security taxes on your maid?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Well, I just pay her cash. What she does with it is her own business.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Oh, please! Now that's gonna be in every paper in the country! Sapphire will tear you apart.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I don't think so, I don't think she even takes the paper.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Who are you talking about?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I'm talking about my maid, Sapphire. Who are you talking about?
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Oh, I'm talking about Bill Sapphire, the columnist. You have a black maid named Sapphire?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Yes, I do.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Are you aware that that is a racial stereotype, like Amos 'n Andy?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Look, I can't help what it is. Sapphire's her damned name and she's too old to change it now!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: We've got to return that "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" tape. We were looking at that the other night and that Jimmy Stewart is just as cute as a button!
- Sissy Emerson: Ha! Obviously you don't know that he used to whip those boys of his unmercifully.
- Jennifer Malone: I thought that was Bing Crosby.
- Sissy Emerson: Oh. Yeah, right. Oh then - oh, it was Jimmy Stewart that did not have any friends. Or maybe that was Martha Stewart.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Yes sir, maybe that was Martha Washington!
- Sissy Emerson: She was a lesbian, right?
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Have you ever heard of The Donner Party?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: No. It doesn't mean I wasn't invited though, I get lots of invitations.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: The Donner Party was this group of settlers who traveled way out West and, well, they got all bogged down in the snow and the mountains. Anyway, the real horror of their story is not that they were forced to eat their dead friends and relatives, but rather that when they got back, the press said that they enjoyed it!
- Sissy Emerson: You know, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that we're not just some loosely banded together group of losers anymore. This feels bigger than that. I think we're all participating in some sort of cosmic Olympics and are now apparently all strapped down, spread eagle, no blindfold, on the big luge heading for Hell.
- Natalie Hollingsworth: There's at least 30 Congressmen calling for a full investigation and/or resignation, not to mention The Journal, The Times and The Post.
- Sissy Emerson: And don't forget, Penthouse wants to know if she has any wedding night videos.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Well, I'm sorry but I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee!
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Nobody tells the truth in Washington unless they're in an underground parking lot and terminally ill!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I thought being rich was the American dream, you know, something to aspire to. My goodness, rich people are the ones who built this country! At least they built most of the really nice stores.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Now I've been told that Washington is a place where you have to fit in. Well, I'm a person who likes to stand out.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: If Mr. Smith came to Washington today, you people would beat the hell out of him!
- Jennifer Malone: I just wanted you to know I think you're wonderful. And I know it isn't true, but if you were a lesbian, I'd be proud to be your lover - and I'm not even gay!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Well, that's enough of that kinda talk!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: My five husbands left me plenty of money! And I'm sure I'll marry again. Or as my grandmother used to say, "Honey, if you ever need a million dollars, just remember, you're sitting on it!"
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I've gotta find somebody to do my makeup and hair. I sure don't want that two-dollar guy Ross Perot uses. He's always braggin' about the price; he looks like a damn leprechaun!
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: This is not scandal! I mean, look at that Prince Charles over in England. Now, I'm sorry but I think what he said is a whole lot worse than what I said!
- Natalie Hollingsworth: What are you talking about?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: I'm just making a comparison, Natty. The man apparently told that Camilla Parker whatshername that he wants to be a tampon. Now I'm sorry, but I think once you've said something like that, you give up your right to be the King of England!
- Natalie Hollingsworth: Suzanne, you know since coming here you have, hmmm... diminished all women as sexual commodities, slandered homosexuals, insulted blacks and bragged about being rich. Now, while it is true that you did not express a desire to be a tampon, I fail to see how that's a cause for rejoicing or a negation of your other comments.
- Suzanne Sugarbaker: Now I've said a lot of things this week that are politically incorrect, but then so am I. My maid is black, my daughter's adopted, my brother's retarded and I myself am five-times married, fat, not zaftig, big-mouthed, Southern and rich! Newly rich which, if you ask me, is the best kind to be because it means you earned it yourself.