My Family (TV Series)

Auto Erotica (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan : I'd like to spend our anniversary on a romantic weekend trip to Dorset.

  Ben : Well, I'd like a weekend as Michelle Pfeiffer's love toy, but we all have to live with our disappointments, don't we?

• Ben : I promise on our children's lives.

  Susan : So either way you win.

• Abi : Happy anniversary in three days' time!

  Ben : You said that yesterday!

  Abi : No. I said "Happy anniversary in four days' time"!

• Susan : Morning, dear.

  Ben : Morning, everyone. Except you.

  Susan : And all I've ever done is love you.

• Ben : [Talking to Nick about his old sports car]  I had to give her up when you mother was pregnant with you.

  Susan : We were starting a family. We needed a car that had more room and was more reliable.

  Ben : You were too fat to fit in it!

• Abi : No, I've got no role model in this relationship stuff. I mean, how do you make it work?

  Susan : Well, first of all, you need to get a boyfriend.

  Abi : Oh, right. Then do you break his spirit right away or wear him down over time?

  Susan : Well... everyone's different, dear. And the key thing about marriage is to respect those differences...

  Ben : [Beeping his car horn] 

  Susan : ...to encourage your partner to have other interests...

  Ben : [Still beeping his horn] 

  Susan : ...to take joy in the things that bring him joy...

  Ben : [Still beeping his horn] 

  Susan : ...excuse me, dear.

  [Walks over to window and shouts at Ben] 

  Susan : STOP THAT BLOODY NOISE!

• Susan : [Kissing Ben in bed]  Your hands are so soft and supple.

  Ben : Mmmm.

  Susan : [Stops kissing Ben, then pauses]  Are you wearing driving gloves?

  Ben : Yeah.

  Susan : For God's sake, Ben! This is our bed, not the M40!

• Susan : An anniversary is a milestone. Why can't you celebrate it like a normal person?

  Ben : Because what you see as a milestone, I see as a signpost saying "Another mile closer to the grave".

  Susan : Oh, so that's it this year? A mid-life crisis? Why can't you just bonk your assistants like other dentists?

  Ben : No one's stayed long enough to form a meaningful relationship.

  Susan : [Scowling at Ben] 

  Ben : Yeah, I can see humour is not going to work here, is it?

• Ben : [to Nick's battered sports car, which he is souping up]  When was the last time we had a clean, hmm?

  Nick Harper : [Coming up behind Ben]  Who said you could touch that?

  Ben : Eh? What? You did.

  Nick Harper : Ah. But that was before I dreamt up... the Car Jar!

  Ben : Car Jar?

  Nick Harper : Every time you touch or look at my car, you have to pay a small user fee. Let's say a pound a minute?

  Ben : Well, let's say I pound your arse?

• Nick Harper : So what do you think of Leroy?

  Ben : Who?

  Nick Harper : [Pointing at the car]  Leroy!

  Ben : No, no, no! This car isn't a Leroy! Oh, no. Look at the graceful lines - this car is a woman! The coquettish tilt of the wheel arches, the dimpled smile of the radiator grill...

  Nick Harper : The great set of headlights?

  Ben : Please. Don't ever talk about Jasmine like that.

  Nick Harper : Jasmine?

  Ben : Yes, yes, yes.

  Nick Harper : Well, I think the car is called Leroy! Unless you want to pay for the naming rights!

  Ben : Why would I want to pay for naming rights?

  Nick Harper : Because it's called Leroy!

  Ben : Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Because I can just say Jasmine in my head.

  [Mutters to himself] 

  Ben : Jasmine...

  Nick Harper : [Teasing Ben, who is fixing the car]  Alright, Leroy? How's it hanging, Leroy? Leroy, my man!

  Ben : Alright! OK! OK! Here's your blood money! Go on, get out!

  Nick Harper : [In high-pitched voice, winding up Ben]  Alright, Jasmine? How's it hanging, Jasmine? Jasmine, my man!

• Nick Harper : So what are you doing under there?

  Ben : Are you asking me because you want to know or are you just being annoying?

  Nick Harper : Either will do for me.

• Susan : Where have you been?

  Ben : [Shrugs]  Nowhere.

  Susan : You've been in that garage all night, haven't you?

  Ben : No, no, no...

  Susan : Don't lie to me, Ben. There's oil on your collar.

  Ben : OK, OK. I was fiddling under the bonnet, you know and... one thing led to another and...

  Susan : Well, I hope you and Jasmine are very happy together!

  Ben : Oh, can you hear yourself? You're not jealous of a car?

  Susan : Can Jasmine raise a family, cook you gourmet meals, show you ecstasy?

  Ben : Yep, in 6.5 seconds.

• Susan : Well, I'm leaving for Dorset tomorrow. And if you mess this up, Ben Harper, this could be your last anniversary.

  Ben : Er, are you threatening me with divorce?

  Susan : I didn't say *our* last anniversary, I said *yours*.

• Ben : Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! Staying out of trouble?

  Michael : [Feeling jumpy after being caught going through Abi's underwear]  I didn't do anything!

  Ben : I didn't say you did.

  Michael : Well, I resent the implication!

  Ben : OK, don't get your knickers in a twist!

  Michael : What's that supposed to mean?

  Nick Harper : Did someone say knickers?

• Nick Harper : Er, aren't we forgetting something?

  Ben : Oh, yeah - car keys.

  Nick Harper : I think you mean, "May I borrow the car keys?"

  Ben : Alright, Nick. Just drop this now. I think we've gone far enough with this.

  Nick Harper : "May I borrow the car keys, Nick, dear?"

  Ben : Hehe... No way!

  Nick Harper : Wrong answer!

  Ben : Alright, alright! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Erm... May I, erm...

  Nick Harper : Borrow the...

  Ben : ...borrow the car keys...

  Nick Harper : ...Nick, dear?

  Ben : ...N'dear.

  Nick Harper : See, that wasn't too hard, was it?

• Nick Harper : [Lazing about with Michael while Ben soups up a convertible]  Well, I'm knackered. Can we take a break?

  Ben : We haven't started work yet.

  Nick Harper : I just don't think I'm cut out for manual labour.

  Ben : Oh, come on, guys! Come on! This will be fun! You know? Eh, eh! We're like a team - Team Harper!

  Nick Harper , Michael : [Looking unimpressed] 

  Ben : Yeah, I know. I'm not that happy about it either.

• Nick Harper : It's just you and me, eh, dad? Team Harper! Father and son against the world! Against all odds - together, forever!

  Ben : Yep. Except you're going under the car to drain the oil.

  Nick Harper : No bloody way, mate! I've got a date next week! I don't want to dirty my clothes! This shirt is a vintage!

  Ben : Well, change your clothes!

  Nick Harper : Why? Then I'd have to go under the car!

• Susan : You know what? This car is a bit like our marriage. It's old, it's up on blocks and it's going nowhere.

  Ben : And it's... green.

  Susan : Still, after all this time, it is still going.

  Ben : Huh! No, it's not!

  Susan : I'm talking about the marriage.

  Ben : Oh, the marriage, yeah! The marriage! Yeah, definitely!

  Susan : Although, some things are past the point of fixing.

  Ben : The marriage?

  Susan : The car!

  Ben : The car, yeah.