Hogfather (2006 TV Movie)

David Warner: Lord Downey

Quotes 

• [Lord Downey is sitting at his desk when he hears a strange noise and realises that he is no longer alone] 

  Lord Downey : The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dog does not appear to have woken up. The squeaky floorboards haven't. I really doubt that you are a ghost, and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties. Besides, I'm feeling quite well.

• [Lord Downey is reviewing a previous assassination contract that Teatime carried out for him] 

  Lord Downey : You nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.

  Teatime : I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.

  Lord Downey : Some people would have drugged it.

  Teatime : [mystified]  Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.

  Lord Downey : Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.

  Teatime : That was all right, wasn't it, sir?

  Lord Downey : It lacked... elegance.

  Teatime : I thank you, sir. I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.

• Lord Downey : Mr Teatime, you have actually applied yourself to study of ways of killing Death?

  Teatime : Only as a hobby, sir.

  Lord Downey : But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.

  Teatime : Everyone has a weak point, sir.

• [the Auditors have just commissioned Lord Downey, Master of the Guild of Assassins, to "inhume" the Hogfather] 

  Lord Downey : He would be difficult to find.

  Auditor 1 : You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address.

  Lord Downey : Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference. Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed? A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?

  Auditor 1 : You misunderstand the nature of employment.

  Lord Downey : How do I misunderstand you exactly?

  Auditor 1 : We pay. You find the ways and means.

  Lord Downey : How can I contact you?

  Auditor 1 : [ominously]  We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where *everyone* is.