- Ben Harper: What is this masterpiece?
- Susan Harper: [Shows her self-help book] 'Shut Up and Be Happy'.
- Ben Harper: Too late - I'm married!
- Ben Harper: You know who reads this self-help crap, don't you? Gullible, middle-aged housewives whose children have flown the nest with nothing better to do than sit around...
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben Harper: ...have you done something with your hair? It looks really lovely!
- Susan Harper: For your information, Dr Buck has changed my life.
- Ben Harper: I thought I changed your life.
- Susan Harper: He changed it for the better.
- Michael Harper: [to Ben and Susan] The sixth form's off to the Natural History Museum. Want me to give your regards to the other old fossils?
- Susan Harper: Michael, you don't sound excited about going to the museum. I thought you loved the place.
- Michael Harper: I'm sick of that place. Velociraptors and stegosauruses, with crustaceous coelacanths? Pfft! It's like some lame paleontological joke!
- Ben Harper: Pfft! Yeah! The only word I heard there was 'joke'.
- Ben Harper: Dunster Park Country Club have turned me down!
- Susan Harper: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. How was the interview?
- Ben Harper: It was fine. I was just trying to be myself.
- Susan Harper: I warned you against that.
- Ben Harper: You know Dunster Park was very important to me, Susan? This is a chance to meet classy, influential people. After an afternoon with my hand in someone's rancid gob, all I can do is envy a vet - all he has to do is stick his arm up a cow's arse!
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: Susan, all I've ever wanted to do is to help regular folks like you navigate life's fault lines. Like I say in the book: "Why be down and wear a frown..."
- Susan Harper: "... when all the while you can wear a smile?"
- Ben Harper: Oh, God! If only Gandhi had thought of that!
- Mr. Hoxton-Jones: In the Brotherhood of the Cockerel, you start off as a hatchling, then a chick, eventually you progress to bantam...
- Ben Harper: Ooh!
- Mr. Hoxton-Jones: ...then one day, like me, you become the big cock!
- Ben Harper: There's something about that sounds so right!
- Susan Harper: I'm going to check on the roast.
- Ben Harper: Why don't you leave it to the smoke detector? You usually do!
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: Ben?
- Ben Harper: Yes?
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: I love you, man!
- Ben Harper: Gotta go!
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: Oh, emotion frightens you, doesn't it?
- Ben Harper: Not as half as much as you do at the moment!
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: [to Ben] My philosophy is 'calmness through kindness'. And if that makes me foolish in your mind, then I'm a fool! Sorry, gotta take this.
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: [On the phone to his lawyer] Hello? Yeah, just a sec.
- [Angrily]
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: Listen, numbnuts, you're the third lawyer my wife has had and I'm going to tell you what I told the other two schmucks: I would rather take my money and shove it up a dead donkey's tush than give her another dime!
- Dr. Buck Bukowski: [Hangs up, then talks to Ben calmly] Now, where were we, Ben?
- Ben Harper: I can't believe you gave up our bed to that charlatan!
- Susan Harper: [Meditating] You know where I am, Ben?
- Ben Harper: In denial!
- Susan Harper: I'm on a tropical island. My toes are curled in the warm sands of the Caribbean. A steel band is playing. And a handsome young waiter called Sven is bringing me a gin sling.
- Ben Harper: Hmm. From the sound of it, it's not your first.
- Susan Harper: Join me, Ben. There's an empty sun lounger.
- Ben Harper: No, I can't, darling. I've got to swim out and save Dr Buck, who at this moment is being savaged by a great white shark!
- Susan Harper: No, look! Dr Buck has tamed the great white shark with the power of his positive thinking! The shark says "Thank you" and carries him to the shore!
- Ben Harper: Oh, but... No, look... on the beach are six real doctors waiting for Dr Buck and they've got a straitjacket! Oh, no, they're putting it on Dr Buck! What's he going to do now?
- Alfie Butts: My uncle Meldwyn joined the Loyal Society of the Hedgehog.
- Ben Harper: Oh, and did he do well in business?
- Alfie Butts: Oh, yes. Well... right up until the moment he was scurrying across the B317 and was squashed by a lorry.